TEDGlobal>Geneva
James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
Džejms Vič (James Veitch): Evo šta se dešava kada odgovorite na spam imejl
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Sumnjivi mejlovi: neiskorišćene polise osiguranja, dijamantima optočeni sefovi, bliski prijatelji izgubljeni u stranoj zemlji. Pojave se u našim sandučićima i uobičajeno je da ih brišemo čim ih primetimo. Ali šta se dešava kada odgovorite? Poslušajte kako pisac i komičar, Džejms Vič, pripoveda urnebesnu, višenedeljnu prepisku sa spamerom koji mu je ponudio da ga ubaci u dobar posao.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
A few years ago,
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Pre nekoliko godina,
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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dobio sam jedan od onih spem mejlova.
00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
to get through my spam filter.
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Uspeo je da prođe kroz moj spem filter.
00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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Nisam siguran kako,
ali završio je u mom sandučetu,
ali završio je u mom sandučetu,
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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i bio je od lika po imenu Solomon Odonko.
00:24
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:26
I know.
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Da.
00:27
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:28
It went like this:
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Glasio je ovako:
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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"Zdravo, Džejms Vič,
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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imam zanimljiv poslovni predlog,
koji želim da podelim sa tobom. Solomon."
koji želim da podelim sa tobom. Solomon."
00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
on the delete button, right?
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Moja ruka je krenula
ka tasteru za brisanje.
ka tasteru za brisanje.
00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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Gledao sam u telefon.
Pomislio sam, obrisaću ga.
Pomislio sam, obrisaću ga.
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
we've all always wanted to do.
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Ili, mogao bih da uradim ono što mislim
da smo svi oduvek želeli da uradimo.
da smo svi oduvek želeli da uradimo.
00:46
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
I rekao sam: "Solomone,
tvoj mejl me je zainteresovao."
tvoj mejl me je zainteresovao."
00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
Your email intrigues me."
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00:52
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:55
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
01:00
And the game was afoot.
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I igra je počela.
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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Rekao je: "Dragi Džejms Vič,
poslaćemo ti Zlato."
poslaćemo ti Zlato."
01:08
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
of any gold you distributes."
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"Zaradićeš 10% od svakog zlata
koje distribuira."
koje distribuira."
01:13
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
with a professional.
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Znao sam da imam posla
sa profesionalcem.
sa profesionalcem.
01:17
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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Pitao sam, "Koliko je vredno?"
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
with smaller quantity," --
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Rekao je: "Počećemo
sa manjom količinom" -
sa manjom količinom" -
01:27
I was like, aww --
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Pomislio sam, aahhh -
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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i onda je rekao "od 25 kg.
01:31
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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Vrednost je oko 2,5 miliona dolara."
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
going to do it, let's go big.
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Rekoh: "Solomone,
ako ćemo da radimo, idemo na veliko.
ako ćemo da radimo, idemo na veliko.
01:42
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
How much gold do you have?"
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Mogu ja to.
Koliko zlata imaš?"
Koliko zlata imaš?"
01:54
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
of how much gold I have,
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Rekao je: "Nije bitno koliko zlata imam,
bitno je da li ti možeš
da izađeš s tim na kraj.
da izađeš s tim na kraj.
02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
your capability of handling.
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02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
as trial shipment."
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Možemo da počnemo sa 50kg
probne pošiljke."
probne pošiljke."
02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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Rekao sam: "50 kg?
02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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Uopšte nema svrhe ovo raditi
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
at least a metric ton."
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ukoliko ne pošalješ barem metričku tonu."
02:10
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:11
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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Pitao me je: "Čime se baviš u životu?"
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
executive bank manager."
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Rekao sam: "Ja sam direktor
investicione banke."
investicione banke."
02:22
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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Nije mi ovo prvi put da baratam
ogromnim količinama, prijatelju,
ogromnim količinama, prijatelju,
02:29
no no no.
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ne, ne, ne.
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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Onda sam počeo sa paničim.
02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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Pitao sam ga: "Gde se nalaziš?
02:35
I don't know about you,
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Ne znam za tebe,
02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
via the postal service,
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ali ako ćemo ići preko pošte,
mislim da mora da bude potpisano.
02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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To je mnogo zlata."
02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
to convince my company
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Rekao je: "Neće biti lako
da ubedim moju kompaniju
da ubedim moju kompaniju
02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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da pošalje veću količinu."
02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
with you on this one.
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Rekoh mu: "Solomone,
potpuno se slažem s tobom.
potpuno se slažem s tobom.
02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
to take into the board meeting.
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Sastaviću prezentaciju
koju ćeš predstaviti svom odboru.
koju ćeš predstaviti svom odboru.
02:52
Hold tight."
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Uskoro stiže."
02:54
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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Ovo sam poslao Solomonu.
03:03
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:05
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
any statisticians in the house,
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Ne znam da li ovde ima statističara,
03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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ali ovde se definitivo nešto dešava.
03:16
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
you'll find a helpful chart.
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Rekao sam: "Solomone, prilažem
grafikon koji će ti pomoći.
grafikon koji će ti pomoći.
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
run the numbers.
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Jedan od mojih asistenata
je radio proračune.
je radio proračune.
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
as much gold as possible."
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Spremni smo za pošiljku
što više zlata je moguće."
što više zlata je moguće."
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
to tug your heartstrings,
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Uvek postoji trenutak kad pokušavaju
da vas uhvate na emocije,
da vas uhvate na emocije,
03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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i ovo je upalilo kod Solomona.
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
if the deal goes well,
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Rekao je: "Biću veoma srećan
ako dogovor dobro prođe,
ako dogovor dobro prođe,
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
a very good commission as well."
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jer ću i ja dobiti dobru proviziju."
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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Rekao sam: "To je sjajno.
Na šta ćeš potrošiti svoj deo?"
Na šta ćeš potrošiti svoj deo?"
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
what about you?"
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Rekao je: "Na nekretnine, a ti?"
03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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Dugo sam razmišljao o tome.
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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I rekao sam. "Jedna reč;
03:53
Hummus."
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Humus."
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:00
"It's going places.
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"Daleko će dogurati.
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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Bio sam neki dan u marketu
04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
30 different varieties.
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i video sam oko 30 različitih vrsta.
04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
and you can dip them.
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I možeš da naseckaš šargarepe
i da ih umačeš.
i da ih umačeš.
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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Jesi li nekad to radio, Solomone?"
04:11
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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Rekao je: "Sad moram u krevet."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:18
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
04:21
"Till morrow.
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"Do viđenja.
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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Sanjaj lep san."
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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Nisam znao šta da kažem!
04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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Rekao sam: "Laku noć,
moj zlatniče, laku noć."
moj zlatniče, laku noć."
04:30
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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Ljudi, morate da razumete,
ovo je trajalo nedeljama,
ovo je trajalo nedeljama,
mada, do tada su to bile
najbolje nedelje mog života,
najbolje nedelje mog života,
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
weeks of my life,
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04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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ali morao sam da prekinem.
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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Pomalo je gubilo kontrolu.
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
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Prijatelji su me zvali: "Džejms,
hoćeš da izađeš na piće?"
hoćeš da izađeš na piće?"
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
an email about some gold."
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Govorio sam: "Ne mogu,
očekujem mejl o nekom zlatu."
očekujem mejl o nekom zlatu."
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
to knock it on the head.
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Pa sam shvatio da moram da prekinem.
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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Morao sam da napravim
besmislenu završnicu.
besmislenu završnicu.
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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Pa sam smislio plan.
04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
I'm concerned about security.
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Rekao sam: "Solomone,
ja se brinem za bezbednost.
ja se brinem za bezbednost.
04:55
When we email each other,
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Kada se dopisujemo,
04:56
we need to use a code."
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moramo da koristimo šifre."
05:00
And he agreed.
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I složio se.
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
coming up with this code
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Rekao sam: "Solomone, proveo sam
celu noć smišljajući ove šifre
celu noć smišljajući ove šifre
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
in all further correspondence:
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koje moramo da koristimo
u narednoj korespondenciji:
u narednoj korespondenciji:
05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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Advokat: Gumeni meda.
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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Banka: Krem jaje.
05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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Pravno: Flaša gazirane kole.
Potvrda: M&M sa kikirikijem.
Potvrda: M&M sa kikirikijem.
05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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Dokumenti: Žele bombone.
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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Western Union: Ogromni gumeni gušter."
05:22
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
they use, right?
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Znao sam da koriste te reči.
05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
in all further correspondence."
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Rekao sam: "Molim te oslovljavaj me KitKat
u narednoj komunikaciji."
u narednoj komunikaciji."
05:30
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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Nisam dobio odgovor.
Mislio sam da sam preterao.
Mislio sam da sam preterao.
05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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Preterao sam.
Pa sam morao da se vratim unazad.
Pa sam morao da se vratim unazad.
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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Pitao sam: "Solomone,
je l' dogovor još uvek važi?
je l' dogovor još uvek važi?
05:44
KitKat."
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KitKat."
05:45
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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Jer morate biti dosledni.
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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Onda sam dobio mejl od njega.
05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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Rekao je: "Plan važi, i pokušavam da,
bla bla bla..."
bla bla bla..."
Rekao sam: "Čoveče,
moraš da koristiš šifre!"
moraš da koristiš šifre!"
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
I've ever received.
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Usledio je najbolji imejl
koji sam ikad dobio.
koji sam ikad dobio.
06:04
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
turned up in my inbox.
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Ne šalim se, ovo se pojavilo
u mom inboksu.
u mom inboksu.
06:10
This was a good day.
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Bio je to dobar dan.
06:13
"The business is on.
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"Posao ide po planu.
06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
for the Gummy Bear --
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Pokušavam da podignem sredstva
za gumenog medu -
za gumenog medu -
06:18
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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kako bi on priložio sve potrebne
žele bombone flaše gazirane kole
žele bombone flaše gazirane kole
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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krem jajetu,
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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da bi proces kikiriki M&M počeo.
06:32
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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Pošalji 1.500 funti
06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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putem Ogromnog gumenog guštera."
06:38
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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I to je bilo toliko zabavno,
06:51
that it got me thinking:
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da sam pomislio:
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
as much time as could
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šta bi se desilo kad bih proveo
što je više moguće vremena
što je više moguće vremena
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
scam emails as I could?
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odgovarajući na što više
prevarantskih imejlova?
prevarantskih imejlova?
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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I to radim
07:03
for three years
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tri godine
07:05
on your behalf.
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umesto vas.
07:06
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:08
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
replying to scam emails.
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Lude stvari se dese kad počnete
da odgovarate na te mejlove.
da odgovarate na te mejlove.
07:14
It's really difficult,
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Veoma je teško,
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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i srdačno preporučujem da to radimo.
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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Ne mislim da je to što radim zlonamerno.
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
who do mean things to scammers.
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Postoje mnogi koji prevarantima
rade zle stvari.
rade zle stvari.
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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Ja samo traćim njihovo vreme.
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
they're spending with me
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I mislim da je svo vreme
koje provedu sa mnom,
koje provedu sa mnom,
07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
scamming vulnerable adults
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vreme koje ne provode
varajući osetljive odrasle ljude
varajući osetljive odrasle ljude
07:31
out of their savings, right?
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i oduzimajući im pare, je l' tako?
07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
and I highly recommend you do --
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I ako ćete da radite ovo -
a srdačno vam preporučujem -
a srdačno vam preporučujem -
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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napravite imejl adresu sa pseudonimom.
07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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Ne koristite svoju ličnu.
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
and it was a nightmare.
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Ja sam to radio na početku,
i bila je to noćna mora.
i bila je to noćna mora.
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
and have a thousand emails
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Probudio bih se i zatekao hiljade mejlova
07:46
about penis enlargements,
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o povećanju penisa,
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
was a legitimate response --
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od kojih je samo jedan bio pravi odgovor -
07:49
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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na moje medicinsko pitanje.
07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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Ali reći ću vam nešto, ljudi,
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
any day is a good day
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slušajte: svaki dan je dobar,
svaki je dobar,
svaki je dobar,
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
that begins like this:
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ako dobijete mejl koji počinje ovako:
08:01
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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"JA SAM VINI MENDELA.
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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DRUGA ŽENA NELSONA MENDELE
BIVŠEG PREDSEDNIKA JUŽNOAFRIČKE REP."
BIVŠEG PREDSEDNIKA JUŽNOAFRIČKE REP."
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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Pomislih, ah, ta Vini Mendela.
08:12
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:13
I know so many.
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Znam ih toliko.
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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"MORAM DA PREBACIM 45 MILIONA DOLARA
IZ ZEMLJE
IZ ZEMLJE
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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ZBOG ZDRAVSTVENOG STANJA
MOG MUŽA NELSONA MENDELE."
MOG MUŽA NELSONA MENDELE."
08:21
Let that sink in.
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Neka se to slegne.
08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
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Poslala mi je ovo, što je urnebesno.
08:26
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:29
And this.
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I ovo.
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
this is a letter of authorization.
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I to izgleda validno,
to je pismo ovlašćenja.
to je pismo ovlašćenja.
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
written on it, it's just a shape!
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Ali, iskreno, ako ništa nije napisano,
to je samo oblik!
to je samo oblik!
08:37
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
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Rekao sam: "Vini,
stvarno mi je žao što to čujem.
stvarno mi je žao što to čujem.
08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
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Pošto je Nelson umro pre tri meseca,
08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
as fairly serious."
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opisao bih njegovo zdravstveno stanje
kao prilično ozbiljno."
kao prilično ozbiljno."
08:46
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
you can have, not being alive.
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To je najgore zdravstveno stanje
koje može da vas zadesi -
koje može da vas zadesi -
da ne budete živi.
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
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Rekla je: "MOLIM TE POSTUPI
PO INSTRUKCIJAMA MOG BANKARA.
PO INSTRUKCIJAMA MOG BANKARA.
08:58
ONE LOVE."
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ONE LOVE."
08:59
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
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Rekao sam: "Naravno.
NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
09:04
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
(Aplauz)
09:07
(Applause)
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09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
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Rekla je: "MOJ BANKAR TRAŽI PRENOS
OD 3.000 DOLARA. ONE LOVE."
OD 3.000 DOLARA. ONE LOVE."
09:15
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
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Rekao sam: "no problemo.
09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
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I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
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[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
09:31
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
09:32
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
09:33
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com