TEDGlobal>Geneva
James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
詹姆士．維奇: 當你回覆垃圾郵件時會發生的事
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Readability: 3.9
55,851,315 views
可疑的電子郵件：無人認領的保險債券、鑲鑽的保險箱、在外國孤立無援的親友。這些都會出現在我們的電子信箱，而標準做法是立即刪除。但如果你回覆呢？聽聽作家兼喜劇演員詹姆士．維奇如何花好幾個禮拜時間跟一個詐騙成員周旋的一筆詐財大買賣。
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
A few years ago,
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幾年前，
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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我收到一封垃圾郵件。
00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
to get through my spam filter.
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它突破了我的垃圾郵件過濾器。
00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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我不太確定它怎麼辦到的，
反正就是出現在我信箱，
反正就是出現在我信箱，
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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寄件人是一個叫
「所羅門．沃當克」的傢伙。
「所羅門．沃當克」的傢伙。
00:24
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我知道，
00:26
I know.
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00:27
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:28
It went like this:
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內容如下：
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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“ 哈囉，詹姆士．維奇，
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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我想跟你合夥一筆有趣的生意企劃，
所羅門 敬上 "
所羅門 敬上 "
這時，我的手指應該已經停在
刪除鍵準備刪掉，對吧？
刪除鍵準備刪掉，對吧？
00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
on the delete button, right?
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00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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我看著我的手機，我在想，
我可以就這樣把它刪掉。
我可以就這樣把它刪掉。
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
we've all always wanted to do.
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或者，我可以做些我認為大家
一直都很想做的事。
一直都很想做的事。
00:46
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
所以我說，" 所羅門，
你的來信讓我很感興趣"
你的來信讓我很感興趣"
00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
Your email intrigues me."
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00:52
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:55
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
01:00
And the game was afoot.
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遊戲就此開始，
他說，" 親愛的詹姆士．維奇，
我們將會運黃金給你 "
我們將會運黃金給你 "
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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01:08
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
" 你賣掉可從中獲利 10％ "
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
of any gold you distributes."
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01:13
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我知道，我遇上了一個 PRO 級的...
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
with a professional.
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01:17
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我說，" 它價值多少錢?"
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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他說，" 我們可以先從小量開始 "--
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
with smaller quantity," --
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01:27
I was like, aww --
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我當下就 “蛤...”
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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然後他說，" 25公斤 "
01:31
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
" 價值應該大約250萬美元 "
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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我說，" 所羅門，
我們要幹就要幹大票的 "
我們要幹就要幹大票的 "
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
going to do it, let's go big.
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01:42
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
" 我能搞定，你有多少黃金?"
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
How much gold do you have?"
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01:54
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
他說，" 這跟我有多少黃金無關 ，
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
of how much gold I have,
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而跟你的能力有關，
02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
your capability of handling.
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02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
as trial shipment."
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我們可以先從50公斤開始嘗試 "
02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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我說，" 50公斤？
02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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這沒甚麼搞頭啊 ...
除非 ...
除非 ...
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
at least a metric ton."
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你至少運個 1公噸來啊..."
02:10
(Laughter)
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02:11
(Applause)
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（笑聲）
（掌聲）
他說，" 你甚麼職業來的?"
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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02:17
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我說，" 我是避險基金的
銀行操盤經理 "
銀行操盤經理 "
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
executive bank manager."
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02:22
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
冰友啊，這又不是我第一次運送金條
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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不、不、不 ...
02:29
no no no.
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然後我開始假裝慌了，
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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我說，" 你們公司在哪? "
我不認識你，
02:35
I don't know about you,
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02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
via the postal service,
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但我認為如果我們要透過郵寄服務，
它應該是要能被簽收的吧，
02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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這會有很多黃金"
他說，" 要說服公司
02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
to convince my company
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運輸大筆交易，不容易 "
02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
with you on this one.
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我說，" 所羅門，我完全同意你這一點，
02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
to take into the board meeting.
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我等一下傳個圖表給你，
讓你在董事會議上說明
讓你在董事會議上說明
02:52
Hold tight."
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等我一下... "
02:54
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
這就是我傳給所羅門的...
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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03:03
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
【橫軸：財富，縱軸：金條數量】
【橫軸：財富，縱軸：金條數量】
03:05
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
我不確定我們這裡
是否有統計學家，
是否有統計學家，
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
any statisticians in the house,
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03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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但一定是有事發生就對了。
03:16
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
you'll find a helpful chart.
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我說，" 所羅門，你可以在附件裡
找到一張對你有幫助的圖表。
找到一張對你有幫助的圖表。
我請我的助理分析了數據一下。
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
run the numbers.
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03:25
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
as much gold as possible."
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我們已準備好
盡可能多運一些黃金 "
盡可能多運一些黃金 "
人總是有被吸引得心癢癢的時候，
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
to tug your heartstrings,
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而所羅門正處在這種狀態。
03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
if the deal goes well,
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他說，“如果真的成交，我會非常開心，
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
a very good commission as well."
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因為我也可以得到很多的傭金"
我說，" 太棒了，你想要怎麼用那筆錢？"
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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他說，" 不動產，你呢？"
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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我想了很久...
然後我說，" 就一個東西 ;
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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鹰嘴豆沙 "
03:53
Hummus."
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03:54
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
" 這肯定成功的啦！“
04:00
"It's going places.
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04:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我改天會在Sainsbury's
（英國第二大超市連鎖店）
（英國第二大超市連鎖店）
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
30 different varieties.
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那裏有30種不同的口味 ...
04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
and you can dip them.
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你還可以切些紅蘿蔔，
沾一點鹰嘴豆沙來吃呢。
沾一點鹰嘴豆沙來吃呢。
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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你有試過嗎，所羅門？ "
04:11
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
他說，" 我得睡覺了 "
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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04:16
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:18
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
04:21
"Till morrow.
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" 明天見！
祝你好夢！ "
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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我當下不知道該說甚麼了！
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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我說，"晚安，我的金條，晚安 "
04:30
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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各位，你必須了解，
這持續了...好幾個禮拜，
這持續了...好幾個禮拜，
雖然到目前為止，
這是我生命中最棒的幾個禮拜，
這是我生命中最棒的幾個禮拜，
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
weeks of my life,
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但我不想繼續下去了，
04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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它有點失控了。
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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朋友問我，"詹姆士，
你要來喝一杯嗎？ "
你要來喝一杯嗎？ "
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
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我說，" 我不行，
我在等一個有關黃金的電郵 "
我在等一個有關黃金的電郵 "
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
an email about some gold."
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所以，我在想我得停止了，
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
to knock it on the head.
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我必須讓這場戲有個荒謬的結局
我於是想出了一個辦法，
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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我說，"所羅門，我很擔心安全問題，
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
I'm concerned about security.
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當我們互相通信時，
04:55
When we email each other,
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我們需要用暗號 "
04:56
we need to use a code."
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05:00
And he agreed.
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他同意了。
05:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
coming up with this code
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我說，" 所羅門，
我花了一整晚，想到了這些暗號
我花了一整晚，想到了這些暗號
接下來的所有通信，
我們要用這些暗號 ：
我們要用這些暗號 ：
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
in all further correspondence:
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05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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律師：橡皮熊，
銀行：奶油蛋，
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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法律：可樂瓶糖果，
主張聲明：M&M巧克力
主張聲明：M&M巧克力
05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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文件：果凍糖
西聯匯款公司：巨型橡皮蜥蜴 "
西聯匯款公司：巨型橡皮蜥蜴 "
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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05:22
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我知道，這些都是他們在用的字，對吧？
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
they use, right?
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05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
in all further correspondence."
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我說，" 接下來的通信，
請稱呼我 Kitkat "( 巧克力棒品牌 )
請稱呼我 Kitkat "( 巧克力棒品牌 )
05:30
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我看不到回應，我在想，
我可能過頭了...
我可能過頭了...
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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所以，我必須回頭一點點，
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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我說，" 所羅門，
我們的交易還在進行嗎？
我們的交易還在進行嗎？
Kitkat 敬上 "
05:44
KitKat."
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05:45
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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因為你必須堅持。
然後，我真的收到了他的回信，
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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他說，" 交易是還有的，
我正在...叭喇叭喇叭喇... "
我正在...叭喇叭喇叭喇... "
我說，" 老兄，你必須用暗號啦! "
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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接下來的信件
是我接過最爆笑的信件
是我接過最爆笑的信件
06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
I've ever received.
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06:04
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我沒開玩笑，
真的就在我收件夾裡面看到這個，
真的就在我收件夾裡面看到這個，
06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
turned up in my inbox.
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06:10
This was a good day.
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那天真的超開心。
" 生意正在進行，
06:13
"The business is on.
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06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
for the Gummy Bear --
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我正在嘗試調升橡皮熊餘額，
06:18
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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這樣他才能遞交所有的
可樂瓶糖果及果凍糖
可樂瓶糖果及果凍糖
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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給奶油蛋，
讓M&M巧克力開始進行。
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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06:32
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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透過巨型橡皮蜥蜴
寄1,500英鎊給我。
寄1,500英鎊給我。
06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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06:38
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
這真的很好玩，對吧？
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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06:51
that it got me thinking:
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這讓我思考：
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
as much time as could
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如果我盡全力回這些詐騙信件
，會發生甚麼事？
，會發生甚麼事？
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
scam emails as I could?
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接下來的三年，
這些就是我一直在做的事 ...
這些就是我一直在做的事 ...
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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07:03
for three years
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07:05
on your behalf.
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我代表各位回信給詐騙集團....
07:06
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
07:08
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
當你開始回詐騙郵件，
瘋狂的事情就會發生，
瘋狂的事情就會發生，
07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
replying to scam emails.
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07:14
It's really difficult,
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這真的很困難，
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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而我強力建議大家這樣做。
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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我不認為這是傷天害理的，
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
who do mean things to scammers.
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有很多人對詐騙集團很差，
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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而我只是在浪費他們的時間，
我認為，他們花時間在我身上，
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
they're spending with me
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他們就沒有時間
07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
scamming vulnerable adults
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去詐騙容易受騙的人，對吧？
07:31
out of their savings, right?
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07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
and I highly recommend you do --
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而如果你要這樣做
--我強烈建議你--
--我強烈建議你--
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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先幫自己申請一個匿名的電子信箱。
07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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不要使用自己的電子信箱，
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
and it was a nightmare.
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我一開始就是用自己的信箱，
那簡直是一場惡夢。
那簡直是一場惡夢。
我一早醒來，收到好幾千封信，
都是關於隆屌的，
都是關於隆屌的，
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
and have a thousand emails
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07:46
about penis enlargements,
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只有一封真正的回答了我的......
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
was a legitimate response --
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07:49
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
一個醫學問題。
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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但，我要告訴各位，雖然，各位
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
any day is a good day
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我要告訴各位：天天都是好天
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
that begins like this:
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如果你收到這樣開頭的電子郵件
08:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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" 我是溫妮．曼德拉，
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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前南非總統尼爾森．曼德拉的
第二任太太 "
第二任太太 "
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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喔！那個溫妮．曼德拉啊，
08:12
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:13
I know so many.
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我認識很多個。
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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" 我必須轉4500萬美金到國外，
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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因為我先生的健康狀況 "
我得花些時間搞懂她的意思。
08:21
Let that sink in.
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08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
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她寄給我的這個真的很搞笑，
08:26
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:29
And this.
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還有這個，
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
this is a letter of authorization.
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這個看起來相當正常，
這是一封授權信，
這是一封授權信，
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
written on it, it's just a shape!
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但說真的，上面沒寫東西，
它根本只是個形狀！
它根本只是個形狀！
08:37
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我說，" 溫妮，
我很遺憾聽到這件事情，
我很遺憾聽到這件事情，
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
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08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
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鑒於尼爾森死了三個月，
08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
as fairly serious."
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我會用『相當嚴重』來形容他的健康狀況 "
08:46
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
you can have, not being alive.
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那可是最糟糕的健康狀況--死亡。
她說，" 敬請遵守我銀行家的指示 "
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
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08:58
ONE LOVE."
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唯一的愛 "
08:59
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
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我說，＂當然，
愛情的酒攏未醉，月亮代表我的心＂
愛情的酒攏未醉，月亮代表我的心＂
09:04
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
09:07
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
她說， "我的銀行專員會
需要先看到3000美金的匯款紀錄 " 唯一的愛
需要先看到3000美金的匯款紀錄 " 唯一的愛
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
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09:15
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我說，" 沒問題的啦， "
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
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09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
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我幫你幹掉司法官了"
(但我沒幹掉副手)
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
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09:31
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
09:32
Thank you.
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謝謝
09:33
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com