James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: Voici ce qui arrive quand on répond aux spams
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
to get through my spam filter.
but it turned up in my inbox,
il est arrivé sur ma boite.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
s'appelait Solomon Odonkoh.
vous faire, Solomon. »
I want to share with you, Solomon."
on the delete button, right?
à cliquer sur « Supprimer ».
I thought, I could just delete this.
simplement le supprimer
toujours eu envie.
we've all always wanted to do.
Your email intrigues me."
« Solomon votre mail m'intrigue ».
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
nous allons vous envoyer de l'or.
of any gold you distributes."
que vous distribuerait. »
with a professional.
j'avais affaire à un pro.
with smaller quantity," --
de 2,5 millions de dollars. »
going to do it, let's go big.
si on le fait, allons-y à fond.
Combien d'or avez-vous ? »
How much gold do you have?"
of how much gold I have,
aptitude à réussir.
your capability of handling.
pour commencer. »
as trial shipment."
au moins une tonne. »
at least a metric ton."
dans la vie ? »
de fonds spéculatifs ».
executive bank manager."
que j'envoie des lingots mon pote,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
via the postal service,
il faudra accuser réception.
de convaincre mon entreprise
to convince my company
with you on this one.
je vous suis totalement.
présenter à votre prochaine réunion.
to take into the board meeting.
dans la salle,
any statisticians in the house,
ci-joint un graphique très utile.
you'll find a helpful chart.
a fait les calculs.
run the numbers.
as much gold as possible."
autant d'or que possible. »
to tug your heartstrings,
de vous amadouer,
if the deal goes well,
une très bonne commission. »
a very good commission as well."
comment dépenserez-vous cet argent ? »
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
et vous ? »
what about you?"
30 different varieties.
et y tremper des carottes !
and you can dip them.
me coucher. »
bonsoir. »
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
ça a duré des semaines,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
weeks of my life,
j'attends un mail concernant de l'or ».
do you want to come for a drink?"
an email about some gold."
je devais y mettre fin,
to knock it on the head.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
de nos mails me préoccupe.
I'm concerned about security.
coming up with this code
à réfléchir au code
in all further correspondence:
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Réclamation : M&Ms.
ce genre de mots, pas vrai ?
they use, right?
in all further correspondence."
à partir de maintenant. »
Je me suis dit que j'étais allé trop loin.
I thought, I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
tient toujours ?
j'essaie de...bla bla bla»
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
« Mec, tu dois utiliser le code ! »
I've ever received.
que j'aie jamais reçu.
turned up in my inbox.
voici ce que j'ai reçu.
for the Gummy Bear --
la commission de l'ours
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Jelly Beans en forme de bouteilles de cola
as much time as could
si je prenais le temps
scam emails as I could?
replying to scam emails.
quand on répond aux spams.
who do mean things to scammers.
mal envers les escrocs.
they're spending with me
ils ne dépouillent pas de pauvres gens
scamming vulnerable adults
ce que je recommande vivement,
and I highly recommend you do --
et c'était un cauchemar.
and it was a nightmare.
sur l'allongement du pénis.
and have a thousand emails
was a legitimate response --
vraie réponse
any day is a good day
that begins like this:
qui commence comme ceci :
ex-président de l'Afrique du Sud. »
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
de dollars hors du pays
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
c'est hilarant !
qui semble officielle.
this is a letter of authorization.
C'est juste une forme !
written on it, it's just a shape!
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
j'imagine que son état est inquiétant. »
as fairly serious."
que la mort.
you can have, not being alive.
les instructions de mon banquier
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
NO WOMAN, NO CRY. »
ONE LOVE. »
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com