TEDxHouston
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability
Brene Braun: Moć ranjivosti
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Brene Braun proučava ljudske veze - našu sposobnost da saosećamo, pripadamo, volimo. U ovom pronicljivom, smešnom govoru sa TEDxHouston konferencije, ona deli duboki uvid svog istraživanja, koji ju je ponukao da krene putem upoznavanja sebe i razumevanja čovečanstva. Govor vredan širenja.
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcher
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
So, I'll start with this:
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Počeću sa ovim:
00:17
a couple years ago, an event planner called me
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pre par godina, pozvao me je organizator događaja
00:19
because I was going to do a speaking event.
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jer je trebalo da govorim na nekoj tribini.
00:21
And she called, and she said,
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Nazvala je i rekla:
00:23
"I'm really struggling with how
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"Strašno se patim sa tim
00:25
to write about you on the little flyer."
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šta da napišem o Vama na flajeru."
00:27
And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"
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Pomislila sam: "Pa, šta te muči?"
00:29
And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,
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Odgovorila je: "Pa, videla sam Vaš govor,
00:31
and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,
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i mislim da ću Vas imenovati istraživačem, mislim,
00:34
but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,
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ali se bojim da u tom slučaju niko neće doći,
00:36
because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."
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jer će misliti da ste dosadni i nebitni."
00:38
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
00:40
And I was like, "Okay."
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Okej.
00:42
And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk
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I reče: "Ali ono što mi se u vašem govoru dopada
00:44
is you're a storyteller.
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je to što ste vi pripovedač.
00:46
So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."
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Pa mislim da ću vas tako i nazvati."
00:49
And of course, the academic, insecure part of me
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I naravno da je akademski, nesigurni deo mene
00:52
was like, "You're going to call me a what?"
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pomislio: "Kako ćeš me nazvati?"
00:54
And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."
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Na šta je ona rekla: "Zvaću vas pripovedač."
00:57
And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"
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Pomislila sam: "A što ne magična vila?"
01:00
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
01:03
I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."
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Rekla sam: "Hajde da razmislim malo o tome."
01:06
I tried to call deep on my courage.
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Pokušala sam da pozovem moju sakrivenu hrabrost.
01:09
And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.
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Pomislila sam, ja jesam pripovedač.
01:12
I'm a qualitative researcher.
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I jesam kvalitativni istraživač.
01:14
I collect stories; that's what I do.
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Sakupljam priče; to je ono što činim.
01:16
And maybe stories are just data with a soul.
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I možda su priče podaci sa dušom.
01:19
And maybe I'm just a storyteller.
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I možda sam ja samo pripovedač.
01:21
And so I said, "You know what?
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Pa sam rekla: "Znaš šta?
01:23
Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."
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Zašto ne kažeš da sam ja istraživač - pripovedač."
01:26
And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing."
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A ona je: "Haha, tako nešto ne postoji."
01:29
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
01:31
So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
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Dakle, ja sam istraživač - pripovedač,
01:33
and I'm going to talk to you today --
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i govoriću vam danas o -
01:35
we're talking about expanding perception --
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govorili smo o proširenju percepcije -
01:37
and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories
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pa želim da vam predstavim par priča
01:39
about a piece of my research
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o delu mog istraživanja
01:42
that fundamentally expanded my perception
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koje je suštinski proširilo moju percepciju
01:45
and really actually changed the way that I live and love
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i koje je zaista promenilo način na koji živim i volim
01:48
and work and parent.
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radim, vaspitavam.
01:50
And this is where my story starts.
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A moja priča počinje ovde.
01:52
When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,
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Dok sam bila mladi istraživač, na doktroskim studijama,
01:55
my first year I had a research professor
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na prvoj godini imala sam profesora
01:57
who said to us,
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koji nam je rekao:
01:59
"Here's the thing,
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"Evo o čemu se radi,
02:01
if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."
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ako nešto ne možete da izmerite, to ne postoji."
02:04
And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.
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Pomislila sam kako mi ugađa slatkim rečima.
02:07
I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."
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Rekla sam: "Stvarno?", a on:"Naravno."
02:10
And so you have to understand
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I morate razumeti da imam diplomu
02:12
that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work,
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iz socijalnog rada, titulu mastera iz socijalnog rada,
02:14
and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
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i radila sam na doktoratu iz oblasti socijalnog rada,
02:16
so my entire academic career
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tako da je čitava moja akademska karijera
02:18
was surrounded by people
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bila okružena ljudima
02:20
who kind of believed
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koji su na neki način verovali
02:22
in the "life's messy, love it."
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život je neuredan, volite ga.
02:25
And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
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A ja sam više - život je neuredan,
02:27
clean it up, organize it
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očistite ga, organizujte,
02:30
and put it into a bento box."
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i stavite ga u kutije sa pregradama.
02:32
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
02:34
And so to think that I had found my way,
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I pomisliti da sam pronašla svoj put,
02:37
to found a career that takes me --
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karijeru koja me vodi -
02:40
really, one of the big sayings in social work
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zaista, jedna od važnih odlika socijalnog rada
02:43
is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work."
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jeste oslanjanje na neprijatnosti posla.
02:46
And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head
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I ja sam za to da treba okrenuti neprijatnost nagalavačke,
02:49
and move it over and get all A's.
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prevazići je i okrenuti na dobro.
02:51
That was my mantra.
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To je bila moja mantra.
02:54
So I was very excited about this.
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I bila sam vrlo uzbuđena zbog toga.
02:56
And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,
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I pomislila sam, znate šta, ovo jeste posao za mene,
02:59
because I am interested in some messy topics.
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jer me zanimaju zbrkane teme.
03:02
But I want to be able to make them not messy.
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Ali želim biti sposobna da ih učinim nezbrkanima.
03:04
I want to understand them.
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Želim da ih razumem.
03:06
I want to hack into these things
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Želim da proniknem u te stvari
03:08
I know are important
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koje znam da su važne
03:10
and lay the code out for everyone to see.
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i da njihovu tajnu prikažem svima.
03:12
So where I started was with connection.
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Tako sam počela od veza.
03:15
Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,
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Jer posle 10 godina rada kao socijalni radnik,
03:18
what you realize
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shvatite da su
03:20
is that connection is why we're here.
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veze ono zbog čega smo ovde.
03:23
It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
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To je ono što našim životima daje smisao i svrhu.
03:26
This is what it's all about.
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O tome se zapravo radi.
03:28
It doesn't matter whether you talk to people
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Nije bitno da li razgovarate sa ljudima
03:30
who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect,
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koji rade u odseku za pravdu i mentalno zdravlje, zlostavljanje i zanemarivanje,
03:33
what we know is that connection,
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ono što znamo je da veze,
03:35
the ability to feel connected, is --
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sposobnost da se osećate povezanima je -
03:38
neurobiologically that's how we're wired --
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neurobiološki smo tako povezani -
03:41
it's why we're here.
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zbog toga smo ovde.
03:43
So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.
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Pa sam pomislila, znate šta, počeću od veza.
03:46
Well, you know that situation
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Znate onu situaciju
03:49
where you get an evaluation from your boss,
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kada dobijete evaluaciju od svog šefa,
03:51
and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome,
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i ona vam kaže 37 stvari koje radite zaista dobro,
03:54
and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?"
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i jednu stvar - priliku za razvijanje?
03:56
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
03:58
And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?
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I jedina stvar o kojoj razmišljate jeste ta prilika za rast, zar ne.
04:02
Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,
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Izgleda da je i moj rad krenuo tim putem,
04:05
because, when you ask people about love,
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jer kada pitate ljude o ljubavi,
04:08
they tell you about heartbreak.
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oni vam pričaju o slomljenom srcu.
04:10
When you ask people about belonging,
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Kada pitate ljude o pripadanju,
04:12
they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences
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ispričaće vam najmučnije iskustvo kada
04:15
of being excluded.
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su bili isključeni.
04:17
And when you ask people about connection,
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A kada pitate ljude o vezama,
04:19
the stories they told me were about disconnection.
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priče koje su mi govorili bile su o nepovezanosti.
04:22
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --
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Dakle vrlo brzo - oko šeste nedelje mog istraživanja -
04:25
I ran into this unnamed thing
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naletela sam na tu neimenovanu stvar
04:28
that absolutely unraveled connection
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koja je potpuno razotkrila vezu
04:31
in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.
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na način koji nisam razumela niti ikada videla.
04:34
And so I pulled back out of the research
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Povukla sam se iz istraživanja
04:36
and thought, I need to figure out what this is.
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i pomislila kako moram da shvatim o čemu se radi.
04:39
And it turned out to be shame.
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Ispostavilo se da je to sramota.
04:42
And shame is really easily understood
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A sramotu je zaista lako razumeti
04:44
as the fear of disconnection:
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kao strah od nepovezanosti.
04:46
Is there something about me
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Da li postoji nešto o meni,
04:48
that, if other people know it or see it,
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što drugi mogu videti ili saznati,
04:51
that I won't be worthy of connection?
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a što me neće činiti dostojnom veze.
04:54
The things I can tell you about it:
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Par činjenica o tome:
04:56
it's universal; we all have it.
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to je univerzalno, svi to imamo.
04:58
The only people who don't experience shame
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Jedini ljudi koji ne osećaju sramotu
05:00
have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
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nemaju kapacitet za ljudsku saosećajnost ili povezanost.
05:02
No one wants to talk about it,
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Niko ne želi da govori o tome,
05:04
and the less you talk about it the more you have it.
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a što manje o tome govorimo, to je ono sve prisutnije.
05:09
What underpinned this shame,
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Ono što potvrđuje sramotu,
05:11
this "I'm not good enough," --
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taj "nisam dovoljno dobar" -
05:13
which we all know that feeling:
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svima poznat osećaj:
05:15
"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,
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"Nisam dovoljno ispunjen. Nisam dovoljno mršav,
05:17
rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,
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dovoljno bogat, lep, pametan,
05:19
promoted enough."
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unapređen."
05:21
The thing that underpinned this
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Činjenica koja to potvrđuje
05:23
was excruciating vulnerability,
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jeste jaka ranjivost,
05:26
this idea of,
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ta ideja da,
05:28
in order for connection to happen,
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da bi se stvorila veza,
05:30
we have to allow ourselves to be seen,
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moramo dozvoliti sebi da nas vide,
05:33
really seen.
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zaista vide.
05:35
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
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I znate šta mislim o ranjivosti. Ja mrzim ranjivost.
05:38
And so I thought, this is my chance
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I pomislila sam kako je ovo moja šansa
05:40
to beat it back with my measuring stick.
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da uzvratim udarac svojim štapom za merenje.
05:43
I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,
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Ulazim u to, provaliću tu stvar,
05:46
I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,
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provešću godinu dana, potpuno ću dekonstruisati sramotu,
05:49
I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,
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razumeću kako ranjivost radi,
05:51
and I'm going to outsmart it.
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i nadmudriću je.
05:54
So I was ready, and I was really excited.
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Bila sam spremna i vrlo uzbuđena.
05:59
As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
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Kao što znate, neće se dobro završiti.
06:01
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
06:04
You know this.
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Znate to.
06:06
So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
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Mogla bih da vam kažem toliko toga o sramoti,
06:08
but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.
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ali morala bih uzeti vreme drugih govornika.
06:10
But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --
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Ali evo na šta se sve te priče svode -
06:13
and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned
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i to može biti jedna od najvažnijih stvari koje sam naučila
06:16
in the decade of doing this research.
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u deceniji ovog istraživanja.
06:19
My one year
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Moja godina
06:21
turned into six years:
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je prešla u šest godina,
06:23
thousands of stories,
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hiljade priča,
06:25
hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.
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stotine dugih intervjua, fokus grupa.
06:28
At one point, people were sending me journal pages
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U jednom trenutku, ljudi su mi slali novinske stranice
06:30
and sending me their stories --
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i svoje priče -
06:33
thousands of pieces of data in six years.
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na hiljade informacija za šest godina.
06:36
And I kind of got a handle on it.
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I nekako sam počela da se navikavam na to.
06:38
I kind of understood, this is what shame is,
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Nekako sam razumela, ovo je sramota,
06:40
this is how it works.
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ovako radi.
06:42
I wrote a book,
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Napisala sam knjigu,
06:44
I published a theory,
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objavila teoriju,
06:46
but something was not okay --
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ali nešto nije bilo ok -
06:49
and what it was is that,
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ako grubo podelim ljude
06:51
if I roughly took the people I interviewed
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koje sam intervjuisala na grupu
06:53
and divided them into people
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koja zaista razume osećaj vrednosti -
06:56
who really have a sense of worthiness --
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na to se na kraju svodi,
06:59
that's what this comes down to,
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osećaj vrednosti -
07:01
a sense of worthiness --
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imaju jak osećaj
07:03
they have a strong sense of love and belonging --
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ljubavi i pripadnosti -
07:06
and folks who struggle for it,
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i na grupu ljudi koji se sa tim bore,
07:08
and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
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koji se uvek pitaju da li su dovoljno dobri.
07:10
There was only one variable
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Postojala je samo jedna promenljiva
07:12
that separated the people who have
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koja je razdvajala ljude koji imaju
07:14
a strong sense of love and belonging
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jak osećaj ljubavi i pripadnosti
07:16
and the people who really struggle for it.
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i ljude koji se zaista bore za to.
07:18
And that was, the people who have
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I ljudi koji imaju jak osećaj
07:20
a strong sense of love and belonging
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ljubavi i pripadnosti veruju
07:22
believe they're worthy of love and belonging.
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da zaslužuju ljubav i pripadanje.
07:25
That's it.
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To je to.
07:27
They believe they're worthy.
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Veruju da su vredni.
07:30
And to me, the hard part
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I za mene, ono što nas
07:33
of the one thing that keeps us out of connection
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drži izvan veze, jedna stvar, jeste
07:36
is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,
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upravo naš strah da nismo dostojni veze.
07:39
was something that, personally and professionally,
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A to je nešto što sam i lično i profesionalno
07:41
I felt like I needed to understand better.
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osećala da moram bolje razumeti.
07:44
So what I did
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Uradila sam sledeće:
07:47
is I took all of the interviews
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uzela sam sve intervjue
07:49
where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,
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u kojima sam videla dostojnost, gde sam videla da ljudi žive tako,
07:52
and just looked at those.
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i pregledala samo njih.
07:55
What do these people have in common?
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Šta ti ljudi imaju zajedničko?
07:57
I have a slight office supply addiction,
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Ja imam blagu zavisnost od kancelarijskog materijala,
07:59
but that's another talk.
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ali to je druga priča.
08:02
So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,
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Dakle, imala sam kartonske fascikle i marker.
08:05
and I was like, what am I going to call this research?
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i razmišljala sam kako da nazovem ovo istraživanje?
08:07
And the first words that came to my mind
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I prva reč koja mi se javila, bila je
08:09
were whole-hearted.
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svesrdno.
08:11
These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.
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Ovo su svesrdni ljudi, koji žive iz tog dubokog osećanja dostojnosti.
08:14
So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,
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Pisala sam na vrhu fascikle,
08:17
and I started looking at the data.
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i počela sam da gledam podatke.
08:19
In fact, I did it first
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Zapravo, prvo sam
08:21
in a four-day
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provela četiri
08:23
very intensive data analysis,
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dana intenzivno analizirajući podatke,
08:26
where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents.
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kada sam se vratila, izvukla intervjue, priče, slučajnosti.
08:29
What's the theme? What's the pattern?
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Šta je tema? Ima li pravilnosti?
08:32
My husband left town with the kids
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Moj muž je otišao iz grada sa decom,
08:35
because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,
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jer uvek upadnem u tu ludu fazu, gde
08:38
where I'm just like writing
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samo pišem i u svom
08:40
and in my researcher mode.
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istraživačkom sam modu.
08:43
And so here's what I found.
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I evo šta sam otkrila.
08:47
What they had in common
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Ono što je zajedničko
08:49
was a sense of courage.
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jeste osećaj hrabrosti.
08:51
And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.
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I želim da vam razdvojim hrabrost i smelost na trenutak.
08:54
Courage, the original definition of courage,
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Hrabrost, izvorna definicija hrabrosti
08:56
when it first came into the English language --
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kada je prvi put upotrebljena u engleskom jeziku -
08:58
it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart --
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dolazi iz latinske reči cor, što znači srce -
09:01
and the original definition
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a izvorna definicija
09:03
was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
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bila je ispričati priču tome ko ste vi u srcu.
09:06
And so these folks
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Tako da su ovi ljudi
09:08
had, very simply, the courage
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imali, vrlo jednostavno, hrabrost
09:10
to be imperfect.
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da ne budu savršeni.
09:13
They had the compassion
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Imali su dovoljno saosećanja
09:15
to be kind to themselves first and then to others,
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da prvo budu dobri prema sebi, a onda i prema drugima,
09:18
because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people
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jer, kako se ispostavilo, ne možemo biti saosećajni prema drugima
09:21
if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
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ako nismo ljubazni prema sebi.
09:24
And the last was they had connection,
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I na kraju, imalu su vezu,
09:26
and -- this was the hard part --
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i - ovo je bio težak deo -
09:28
as a result of authenticity,
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kao rezultat autentičnosti,
09:31
they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be
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bili su voljni da puste ono što su mislili da treba da budu,
09:34
in order to be who they were,
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da bi bili ono što jesu,
09:36
which you have to absolutely do that
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što je apsolutno neophodno
09:39
for connection.
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za vezu.
09:43
The other thing that they had in common
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Još jedna zajednička stvar je
09:45
was this:
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sledeće.
09:50
They fully embraced vulnerability.
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U potpunosti su prihvatili ranjivost.
09:55
They believed
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Verovali su
09:58
that what made them vulnerable
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da ih je lepim učinilo ono što
10:01
made them beautiful.
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ih je učinilo ranjivim.
10:05
They didn't talk about vulnerability
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Nisu govorili o ranjivosti kao o
10:07
being comfortable,
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nečem prijatnom,
10:09
nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --
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ili kao nečem vrlo bolnom -
10:12
as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.
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što se moglo čuti u intervjuima o sramoti.
10:14
They just talked about it being necessary.
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Spominjali su to kao nešto što je neophodno.
10:18
They talked about the willingness
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Govorili su o spremnosti da prvi
10:20
to say, "I love you" first,
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kažu "volim te",
10:23
the willingness
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spremnosti
10:26
to do something
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da urade nešto
10:28
where there are no guarantees,
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gde nema garancija,
10:31
the willingness
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spremnosti
10:33
to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call
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da dišu dok čekaju rezultate
10:35
after your mammogram.
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mamografije.
10:38
They're willing to invest in a relationship
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Spremni su da ulože u odnos koji će
10:41
that may or may not work out.
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možda opstati, a možda neće.
10:44
They thought this was fundamental.
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Mislili su da je to ključno.
10:47
I personally thought it was betrayal.
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Ja sam lično mislila da je to izdaja.
10:50
I could not believe I had pledged allegiance
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Nisam verovala da sam obećala vrednost
10:53
to research, where our job --
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istraživanja -
10:55
you know, the definition of research
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definicija istraživanja
10:57
is to control and predict, to study phenomena,
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jete kontrola i predviđanje, izučavanje fenomena,
11:00
for the explicit reason
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iz jasnog razloga
11:02
to control and predict.
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da se kontroliše i predvidi.
11:04
And now my mission
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I sada se moja misija
11:06
to control and predict
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da kontrolišem i predvidim
11:08
had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability
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okrenula ka odgovoru da treba živeti sa ranjivošću
11:11
and to stop controlling and predicting.
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i prestati je kontrolisati i predviđati.
11:14
This led to a little breakdown --
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Ovo je vodilo ka malom slomu -
11:17
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
11:21
-- which actually looked more like this.
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- koji je izgledao više ovako.
11:24
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
11:26
And it did.
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I jeste.
11:28
I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.
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Nazvala sam to slomom, moj terapeut to zove duhovnim buđenjem.
11:32
A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,
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Duhovno buđenje zvuči bolje od nervnog sloma,
11:34
but I assure you it was a breakdown.
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ali uveravam vas da je bio upravo to.
11:36
And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.
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I morala sam da sklonim svoje istraživanje i nađem terapeuta.
11:38
Let me tell you something: you know who you are
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Da vam kažem nešto: znate ko ste
11:41
when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody.
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kada nazovete svoje prijatelje i kažete: "Mislim da treba da vidim nekoga.
11:44
Do you have any recommendations?"
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Imaš li neku preporuku?'"
11:47
Because about five of my friends were like,
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Jer je pet mojih prijatelja reklo:
11:49
"Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist."
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"Vau. Ne bih voleo da budem tvoj terapeut."
11:51
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
11:54
I was like, "What does that mean?"
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Pitala sam ih šta to znači.
11:56
And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.
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A oni su rekli: "Samo kažem, znaš.
11:59
Don't bring your measuring stick."
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Nemoj poneti svoj merni instrument."
12:01
I was like, "Okay."
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Rekla sam: "Okej."
12:06
So I found a therapist.
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I našla sam terapeuta.
12:08
My first meeting with her, Diana --
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Moj prvi susret sa njom, Dijanom -
12:11
I brought in my list
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ponela sam listu
12:13
of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.
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načina svesrdnog življenja i sela.
12:16
And she said, "How are you?"
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Pitala me kako sam.
12:18
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."
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Rekla sam: "Odlično. Ja sam okej."
12:21
She said, "What's going on?"
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Pitala me: "Šta se događa?"
12:23
And this is a therapist who sees therapists,
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Ja sam terapeut koji je došao kod terapeuta,
12:26
because we have to go to those,
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jer moramo da idemo kod njih,
12:28
because their B.S. meters are good.
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njihovi merači gluposti su dobri.
12:31
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
12:33
And so I said,
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I rekla sam.
12:35
"Here's the thing, I'm struggling."
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"Evo o čemu se radi, borim se."
12:37
And she said, "What's the struggle?"
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Pitala me: "Sa čim?"
12:39
And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue.
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Rekla sam: "Pa, imam problem sa ranjivošću.
12:42
And I know that vulnerability is the core
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I znam da je ranjivost suština
12:45
of shame and fear
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srama i straha
12:47
and our struggle for worthiness,
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i naše borbe za vrednost,
12:49
but it appears that it's also the birthplace
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ali čini mi se da je takođe mesto rođenja
12:52
of joy, of creativity,
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radosti, kreativnosti,
12:55
of belonging, of love.
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pripadnosti, ljubavi.
12:57
And I think I have a problem,
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I mislim da imam problem,
12:59
and I need some help."
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i potrebna mi je pomoć."
13:02
And I said, "But here's the thing:
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Dodala sam: "Ali hajde da ne
13:04
no family stuff,
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pričamo o porodičnim problemima,
13:06
no childhood shit."
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ili sranjima iz detinjstva."
13:08
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
13:10
"I just need some strategies."
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"Samo su mi potrebne strategije."
13:13
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
13:17
(Applause)
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(aplauz)
13:20
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
13:24
So she goes like this.
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Uradila je ovo.
13:27
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
13:29
And then I said, "It's bad, right?"
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I onda sam rekla: "Loše je, zar ne?"
13:32
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
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Rekla je: "Nije ni dobro ni loše."
13:35
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
13:37
"It just is what it is."
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"Takvo je kakvo je."
13:39
And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."
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Rekla sam: "O moj bože, ovo je propast."
13:42
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
13:45
And it did, and it didn't.
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I jeste bila i nije.
13:47
And it took about a year.
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I trajalo je to godinu dana.
13:50
And you know how there are people
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I znate kako postoje ljudi koji se,
13:52
that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,
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kada shvate da su ranjivost i brižnost važni,
13:55
that they surrender and walk into it.
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tome predaju i prepuste.
13:58
A: that's not me,
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A: to nisam ja,
14:00
and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.
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i B: čak se ni ne družim sa takvim ljudima.
14:03
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
14:06
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.
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Za mene je to bila jednogodišnja ulična borba.
14:09
It was a slugfest.
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Borba golih ruku.
14:11
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
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Ranjivost je gurala, ja sam uzvraćala.
14:13
I lost the fight,
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Izgubila sam bitku,
14:16
but probably won my life back.
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ali verovatno osvojila svoj život.
14:18
And so then I went back into the research
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I onda sam se vratila svom istraživanju
14:20
and spent the next couple of years
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i provela narednih par godina
14:22
really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,
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zaista se trudeći da razumem koje izbore su
14:25
what choices they were making,
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svesrdni ljudi pravili,
14:27
and what are we doing
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a šta mi činimo sa
14:29
with vulnerability.
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ranjivošću.
14:31
Why do we struggle with it so much?
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Zašto se toliko mučimo sa tim?
14:33
Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?
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Da li sam ja jedina koja se bori sa ranjivošću?
14:36
No.
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Ne.
14:38
So this is what I learned.
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Naučila sam sledeće.
14:41
We numb vulnerability --
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Mi otupljujemo ranjivost -
14:44
when we're waiting for the call.
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kada čekamo na poziv.
14:46
It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook
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Poslala sam nešto na Twitter i Facebook:
14:48
that says, "How would you define vulnerability?
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"Kako biste vi definisali ranivost?
14:50
What makes you feel vulnerable?"
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Šta vas čini ranjivima?"
14:52
And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.
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I za sat, sat i po, imala sam oko 150 odgovora.
14:55
Because I wanted to know
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Htela sam da znam
14:57
what's out there.
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šta se dešava.
15:00
Having to ask my husband for help
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Pitati svog muža za pomoć, jer
15:02
because I'm sick, and we're newly married;
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sam bolesna, a tek smo se uzeli;
15:05
initiating sex with my husband;
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iniciranje seksa sa mužem;
15:08
initiating sex with my wife;
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iniciranje seksa sa ženom;
15:10
being turned down; asking someone out;
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odbijanje; pozivanje nekoga na sastanak;
15:13
waiting for the doctor to call back;
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čekanje poziva od strane doktora;
15:15
getting laid off; laying off people --
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biti izneveren; izneveriti ljude -
15:18
this is the world we live in.
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ovo je svet u kojem živimo.
15:20
We live in a vulnerable world.
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Živimo u ranjivom svetu.
15:23
And one of the ways we deal with it
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I jedan od načina da se sa tim izborimo
15:25
is we numb vulnerability.
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jeste otupljenje ranjivosti.
15:27
And I think there's evidence --
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I mislim da postoji dokaz -
15:29
and it's not the only reason this evidence exists,
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i to nije jedini razlog da ovaj dokaz postoji,
15:31
but I think it's a huge cause --
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ali mislim da je ogroman -
15:33
we are the most in-debt,
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mi smo odrasla kohorta,
15:37
obese,
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koja je
15:40
addicted and medicated
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u američkoj istoriji najdeblja,
15:43
adult cohort in U.S. history.
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najviše duguje i zavisna je od lekova.
15:48
The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --
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Problem je u tome - a to sam naučila u istražvanju -
15:51
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.
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što ne možete selektivno da otupite emociju.
15:55
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.
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Ne možete reći, ovo je loše.
15:58
Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame,
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Ovde je ranjivost, zavist, sramota,
16:00
here's fear, here's disappointment.
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strah, razočarenje,
16:02
I don't want to feel these.
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ne želim to da osećam.
16:04
I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
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Popiću par piva i pojesti mafin sa bananom i lešnicima.
16:07
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
16:09
I don't want to feel these.
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Ne želim to da osećam.
16:11
And I know that's knowing laughter.
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Znam da je to smeh prepoznavanja.
16:13
I hack into your lives for a living.
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Posao mi je da upadam u vaše živote.
16:16
God.
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Bože.
16:18
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
16:20
You can't numb those hard feelings
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Ne možete otupeti ta strašna osećanja
16:23
without numbing the other affects, our emotions.
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bez da otupite ostale afekte, emocije.
16:25
You cannot selectively numb.
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Ne možete selektivno da otupite.
16:27
So when we numb those,
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Pa tako, kada otupimo ovo,
16:30
we numb joy,
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otupimo i radost,
16:32
we numb gratitude,
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zahvalnost,
16:34
we numb happiness.
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sreću.
16:36
And then we are miserable,
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I onda smo jadni i
16:39
and we are looking for purpose and meaning,
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tražimo smisao i svrhu,
16:41
and then we feel vulnerable,
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pa se osećamo ranjivima,
16:43
so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
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pa popijemo par piva i pojedemo mafin.
16:46
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
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I to prelazi u taj opasan krug.
16:51
One of the things that I think we need to think about
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Jedna od stvari o kojima treba da mislimo
16:54
is why and how we numb.
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jeste zašto smo i kako otupeli.
16:56
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.
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I ne mora biti samo zavisnost.
16:59
The other thing we do
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Druga stvar koju radimo,
17:01
is we make everything that's uncertain certain.
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je da sve što je nesigurno, činimo sigurnim.
17:05
Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery
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Religija je iz vere u sudbinu i misteriju prešla
17:08
to certainty.
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u sigurnost.
17:10
I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up.
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Ja sam u pravu, ti nisi. Začepi.
17:13
That's it.
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To je to.
17:15
Just certain.
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To je sigurno.
17:17
The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,
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Što se više bojimo, to smo ranjiviji,
17:19
the more afraid we are.
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i sve se više bojimo.
17:21
This is what politics looks like today.
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Tako izgleda današnja politika.
17:23
There's no discourse anymore.
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Nema više rasprave.
17:25
There's no conversation.
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Nema razgovora.
17:27
There's just blame.
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Samo krivica.
17:29
You know how blame is described in the research?
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Znate kako se krivica opisuje u istraživanjima?
17:32
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
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Način da se isprazne bol i neprijatnost.
17:36
We perfect.
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Mi usavršavamo.
17:38
If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,
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Ako neko želi da njegov život izgleda ovako, to sam ja,
17:41
but it doesn't work.
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ali ne vredi.
17:43
Because what we do is we take fat from our butts
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Zato što mi uzimamo salo sa naših guza
17:45
and put it in our cheeks.
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i stavljamo ga u naše jagodice.
17:47
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
17:50
Which just, I hope in 100 years,
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Za šta se nadam da će ljudi za
17:52
people will look back and go, "Wow."
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sto godina reći: "Vau."
17:54
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
17:56
And we perfect, most dangerously,
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MI činimo našu decu savršenom,
17:58
our children.
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što je opasno.
18:00
Let me tell you what we think about children.
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Da vam kažem šta mi mislimo o deci.
18:02
They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.
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Oni su potpuno obučeni za borbu kada stignu ovde.
18:05
And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,
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I kada u rukama držite te savršene male bebe,
18:08
our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect.
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naš posao nije da kažemo: "Vidi je, savršena je.
18:10
My job is just to keep her perfect --
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Moj posao je da to i ostane -
18:12
make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade."
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pobrinem se da uđe u teniski tim pre petog razreda i u "Jejl" pre sedmog."
18:15
That's not our job.
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To nije naš posao.
18:17
Our job is to look and say,
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Naš posao je da pogledamo i kažemo:
18:19
"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle,
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"Znaš šta? Nisi savršena, spremna si za borbu,
18:22
but you are worthy of love and belonging."
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ali si vredna ljubavi i pripadnosti."
18:24
That's our job.
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To je naš posao.
18:26
Show me a generation of kids raised like that,
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Pokažite mi generaciju dece odgajane tako,
18:28
and we'll end the problems I think that we see today.
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i nestaće problem koji mislim da danas viđamo.
18:31
We pretend that what we do
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Pretvaramo se da ono što činimo
18:35
doesn't have an effect on people.
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nema uticaja na ljude.
18:38
We do that in our personal lives.
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Radimo to u privatnim životima.
18:40
We do that corporate --
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Radimo to na poslu -
18:42
whether it's a bailout, an oil spill,
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da li je to plan spasavanja, izliv nafte,
18:44
a recall --
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opoziv -
18:46
we pretend like what we're doing
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pravimo se da ono što radimo
18:48
doesn't have a huge impact on other people.
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nema velikog uticaja na druge.
18:51
I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.
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Rekla bih tim kompanijama da ovo nije prvi put.
18:55
We just need you to be authentic and real
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Treba nam da budete autentični i realni
18:57
and say, "We're sorry.
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i kažete: "Žao nam je.
18:59
We'll fix it."
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Popravićemo."
19:05
But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.
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Ali postoji i drugi način, ostaviću vas sa tim.
19:07
This is what I have found:
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Ovo sam otkrila:
19:09
to let ourselves be seen,
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dozvoliti sebi da nas vide,
19:11
deeply seen,
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našu unutrašnjost,
19:13
vulnerably seen;
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ranjivost;
19:16
to love with our whole hearts,
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da volimo celim srcem,
19:18
even though there's no guarantee --
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čak i kada nema sigurnosti -
19:20
and that's really hard,
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a to je jako teško,
19:22
and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult --
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i mogu vam kao roditelj reći, to je neverovatno teško -
19:27
to practice gratitude and joy
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vežbati zahvalnost i radost
19:30
in those moments of terror,
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u bolnim trenucima,
19:32
when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?
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kada se pitamo: "Mogu li te voleti ovoliko?
19:34
Can I believe in this this passionately?
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Mogu li strastveno verovati u ovo?
19:36
Can I be this fierce about this?"
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Mogu li biti ovako hrabra?"
19:39
just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,
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biti sposoban stati i umesto katastrofiranja budućnosti,
19:41
to say, "I'm just so grateful,
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reći: "Ja sam toliko zahvalna,
19:44
because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."
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što osećam ovu ranjivost, jer to znači da sam živa."
19:48
And the last, which I think is probably the most important,
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I na kraju, a to smatram najvažnijim,
19:51
is to believe that we're enough.
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je verovanje da smo dovoljni.
19:54
Because when we work from a place,
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Jer kada delamo iz pozicije
19:56
I believe, that says, "I'm enough,"
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u kojoj verujemo da smo dovoljni,
20:00
then we stop screaming and start listening,
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onda prestajemo da vičemo i počinjemo da slušamo,
20:04
we're kinder and gentler to the people around us,
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bolji smo i nežniji prema ljudima oko nas,
20:06
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
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i bolji smo i nežniji prema nama samima.
20:09
That's all I have. Thank you.
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To je sve. Hvala vam.
20:11
(Applause)
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(aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcherBrené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.
Why you should listen
Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. She poses the questions:
How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?
Brené Brown | Speaker | TED.com