TEDxHouston
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability
Brene Brown: Moč ranljivosti
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Brene Brown preučuje človeško povezanost - našo sposobnost empatije, pripadanja, ljubezni. V ganljivem, zabavnem predavanju na TEDxHouston deli globok vpogled iz svojega raziskovanja, ki jo je usmerilo v osebno iskanje boljšega razumevanja sebe in človeštva. Vredno, da ga delite.
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcher
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
So, I'll start with this:
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Torej, začela bom s tem:
00:17
a couple years ago, an event planner called me
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pred nekaj leti me je poklicala načrtovalka dogodkov,
00:19
because I was going to do a speaking event.
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ker naj bi imela predavanje.
00:21
And she called, and she said,
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Poklicala me je in mi rekla:
00:23
"I'm really struggling with how
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"Zares se mučim s tem,
00:25
to write about you on the little flyer."
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kaj naj napišem o tebi na mali letak."
00:27
And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"
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In pomislila sem: "Torej, s čim se muči?"
00:29
And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,
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Rekla je: "Torej, slišala sem te predavati
00:31
and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,
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in mislim, da te bom poimenovala raziskovalka.
00:34
but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,
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Toda bojim se, da če te poimenujem raziskovalka, nihče ne bo prišel,
00:36
because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."
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ker bodo vsi mislili, da si dolgočasna in irelevantna."
00:38
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:40
And I was like, "Okay."
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In jaz: "V redu."
00:42
And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk
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In ona: "Toda, kar mi je bilo pri tvojem predavanju všeč
00:44
is you're a storyteller.
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je to, da pripoveduješ zgodbo.
00:46
So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."
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Zato menim, da te bom poimenovala kar pripovedovalka zgodb."
00:49
And of course, the academic, insecure part of me
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In seveda, oglasil se je akademski, negotov del mene:
00:52
was like, "You're going to call me a what?"
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"Kako me boš imenovala?"
00:54
And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."
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In rekla je: "Imenovala te bom priovedovalka zgodb."
00:57
And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"
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In jaz: "Zakaj pa ne čarobna škratovka?"
01:00
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:03
I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."
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In potem: "Naj za trenutek razmislim o tem."
01:06
I tried to call deep on my courage.
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Poskusila sem iz globin priklicati svoj pogum.
01:09
And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.
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In pomislila sem, veš kaj, sem pripovedovalka zgodb.
01:12
I'm a qualitative researcher.
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Sem kvalitativna raziskovalka.
01:14
I collect stories; that's what I do.
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Zbiram zgodbe, to počnem.
01:16
And maybe stories are just data with a soul.
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In mogoče so zgodbe samo podatki z dušo.
01:19
And maybe I'm just a storyteller.
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In mogoče sem samo pripovedovalka zgodb.
01:21
And so I said, "You know what?
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In rekla sem: "Veš kaj.
01:23
Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."
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Zakaj me ne poimenuješ kar raziskovalka - pripovedovalka zgodb."
01:26
And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing."
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In ona: "Haha. To ne obstaja."
01:29
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:31
So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
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Torej sem raziskovalka - pripovedovalka zgodb.
01:33
and I'm going to talk to you today --
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in danes bom govorila vam --
01:35
we're talking about expanding perception --
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govorimo o širitvi dojemanja --
01:37
and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories
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in želim vam govoriti in povedati nekaj zgodb
01:39
about a piece of my research
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o delu mojega raziskovanja,
01:42
that fundamentally expanded my perception
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ki je temeljito razširilo moje dojemanje
01:45
and really actually changed the way that I live and love
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in resnično spremenilo način kako živim in ljubim
01:48
and work and parent.
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in delam in vzgajam.
01:50
And this is where my story starts.
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In tu se začne moja zgodba.
01:52
When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,
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Ko sem bila mlada raziskovalka, študentka na doktorskem študiju,
01:55
my first year I had a research professor
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sem imela v prvem letu profesorja,
01:57
who said to us,
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ki nam je dejal:
01:59
"Here's the thing,
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"Takole je,
02:01
if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."
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če ne moreš izmeriti, ne obstaja."
02:04
And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.
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Mislila sem, da me želi samo očarati.
02:07
I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."
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In sem vprašala:"Zares?" In odgovoril je:"Absolutno."
02:10
And so you have to understand
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In morate razumeti,
02:12
that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work,
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da imam diplomo iz socialnega dela, magisterij iz socialnega dela,
02:14
and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
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in delala sem doktorat iz socialnega dela.
02:16
so my entire academic career
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Torej, moja celotna akademska kariera
02:18
was surrounded by people
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je bila obkrožena z ljudmi,
02:20
who kind of believed
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ki so na nek način verjeli v
02:22
in the "life's messy, love it."
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"življenje je neurejeno, ljubi ga."
02:25
And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
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In jaz sem bolj za: "življenje je neurejeno,
02:27
clean it up, organize it
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očisti ga, organiziraj ga
02:30
and put it into a bento box."
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in ga spravi v škatlo."
02:32
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:34
And so to think that I had found my way,
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In misliti, da sem našla svojo pot,
02:37
to found a career that takes me --
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našla kariero, ki me vodi --
02:40
really, one of the big sayings in social work
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resnično, eden velikih rekov v socialnem delu
02:43
is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work."
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je: "Sprejmi nelagodje dela."
02:46
And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head
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Jaz pa sem bolj, nelagodje udarim po glavi,
02:49
and move it over and get all A's.
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ga prestavim in dobim same 10-tke.
02:51
That was my mantra.
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To je bila moja mantra.
02:54
So I was very excited about this.
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Bila sem zelo navdušena nad tem.
02:56
And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,
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In mislila sem si, veš kaj, to je kariera zame,
02:59
because I am interested in some messy topics.
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saj me zanimajo nekatere neurejene teme.
03:02
But I want to be able to make them not messy.
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Toda hočem jih napraviti urejene.
03:04
I want to understand them.
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Hočem jih razumeti.
03:06
I want to hack into these things
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Hočem se poglobiti v stvari,
03:08
I know are important
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za katere vem, da so pomembne
03:10
and lay the code out for everyone to see.
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in vsem predstaviti rešitev.
03:12
So where I started was with connection.
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In začela sem s povezanostjo.
03:15
Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,
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Ko si socialni delavec več kot 10 let,
03:18
what you realize
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spoznaš,
03:20
is that connection is why we're here.
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da je povezanost tisto zaradi česar smo tu.
03:23
It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
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To je tisto, kar daje namen in smisel našim življenjem.
03:26
This is what it's all about.
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To je bistvo vsega.
03:28
It doesn't matter whether you talk to people
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Ni pomembno ali se pogovarjaš z ljudmi,
03:30
who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect,
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ki delajo v socialnem sodstvu in v duševnem zdravju in na zlorabah in zanemarjanju,
03:33
what we know is that connection,
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vsi vemo, da je povezanost,
03:35
the ability to feel connected, is --
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sposobnost, da se čutimo povezani --
03:38
neurobiologically that's how we're wired --
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neurobiološko smo tako ustvarjeni --
03:41
it's why we're here.
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zato smo tukaj.
03:43
So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.
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Pomislila sem torej, veš kaj, začela bom s povezanostjo.
03:46
Well, you know that situation
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Saj poznate situacijo,
03:49
where you get an evaluation from your boss,
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ko vas šef oceni
03:51
and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome,
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in vam pove 37 stvari, ki jih počnete res super
03:54
and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?"
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in eno stvar -- "možnost za rast?"
03:56
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:58
And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?
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In razmišljate lahko samo o tisti možnosti za rast, ali ne?
04:02
Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,
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Torej, očitno je po tej poti šlo tudi moje delo,
04:05
because, when you ask people about love,
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saj ko ljudi vprašaš o ljubezni,
04:08
they tell you about heartbreak.
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ti pripovedujejo o srčnih bolečinah,
04:10
When you ask people about belonging,
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ko ljudi vprašaš o pripadanju,
04:12
they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences
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ti pripovedujejo o svojih najbolj bolečih izkušnjah
04:15
of being excluded.
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izključenosti.
04:17
And when you ask people about connection,
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In ko vprašaš ljudi o povezanosti,
04:19
the stories they told me were about disconnection.
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so mi pripovedovali zgodbe o nepovezanosti.
04:22
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --
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In zelo hitro -- kakšne šest tednov od začetka raziskave --
04:25
I ran into this unnamed thing
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sem odkrila to neimenovano stvar,
04:28
that absolutely unraveled connection
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ki je popolnoma razvozlala povezanost,
04:31
in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.
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na način, ki ga nisem razumela oziroma ga nisem nikoli videla.
04:34
And so I pulled back out of the research
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Zato sem se umaknila iz raziskave
04:36
and thought, I need to figure out what this is.
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in pomislila, to moram razvozlati.
04:39
And it turned out to be shame.
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Izkazalo se je, da je to sram.
04:42
And shame is really easily understood
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In sram je lahko razumeti
04:44
as the fear of disconnection:
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kot strah pred nepovezanostjo:
04:46
Is there something about me
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Ali je pri meni kaj takšnega
04:48
that, if other people know it or see it,
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da, če bi drugi ljudje to vedeli, ali videli,
04:51
that I won't be worthy of connection?
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ne bi bil vreden povezanosti.
04:54
The things I can tell you about it:
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O njem vam lahko povem, da je:
04:56
it's universal; we all have it.
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univerzalen, vsi ga imamo.
04:58
The only people who don't experience shame
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Sramu ne doživljajo samo ljudje, ki
05:00
have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
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nimajo sposobnosti človeške empatije ali povezanosti.
05:02
No one wants to talk about it,
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Nihče ne želi govoriti o njem
05:04
and the less you talk about it the more you have it.
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in manj kot govorimo o njem, več ga imamo.
05:09
What underpinned this shame,
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Kaj podkrepi ta sram,
05:11
this "I'm not good enough," --
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tisto "Nisem dovolj dober," --
05:13
which we all know that feeling:
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občutek, ki ga vsi poznamo:
05:15
"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,
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"Nisem dovolj suh,
05:17
rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,
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dovolj bogat, dovolj lep, dovolj pameten,
05:19
promoted enough."
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dovolj promoviran."
05:21
The thing that underpinned this
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Stvar, ki to pokrepi
05:23
was excruciating vulnerability,
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je boleča ranljivost,
05:26
this idea of,
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ta ideja o tem,
05:28
in order for connection to happen,
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da moramo za povezanost
05:30
we have to allow ourselves to be seen,
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dovoliti sebi, da smo videni,
05:33
really seen.
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resnično videni.
05:35
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
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In, saj veste kaj si mislim o ranljivosti. Sovražim ranljivost.
05:38
And so I thought, this is my chance
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In tako sem pomislila, to je moja priložnost,
05:40
to beat it back with my measuring stick.
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da jo udarim nazaj s svojo merilno palico.
05:43
I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,
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Vstopila bom, ugotovila kaj to je,
05:46
I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,
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porabila bom leto dni in popolnoma razstavila sram,
05:49
I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,
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razumela bom kako ranljivost deluje
05:51
and I'm going to outsmart it.
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in jo bom prelisičila.
05:54
So I was ready, and I was really excited.
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Torej, bila sem pripravljena in resnično vznemirjena.
05:59
As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
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Ampak, kot veste, to se ne bo končalo dobro.
06:01
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:04
You know this.
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Saj to veste.
06:06
So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
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Torej, o sramu bi vam lahko veliko povedala,
06:08
but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.
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toda morala bi si sposoditi čas vse ostalih.
06:10
But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --
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Toda, lahko vam povem za kaj pravzaprav gre --
06:13
and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned
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in to je verjetno ena najpomembnejših stvari, ki sem se jo naučila
06:16
in the decade of doing this research.
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v desetletju, ko sem to raziskovala.
06:19
My one year
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Moje eno leto
06:21
turned into six years:
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se je spremenilo v šest let:
06:23
thousands of stories,
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tisoče zgodb,
06:25
hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.
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stotine dolgih intervjujev, fokusnih skupin.
06:28
At one point, people were sending me journal pages
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V nekem trenutku so mi ljudje pošiljali strani dnevnikov,
06:30
and sending me their stories --
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in svoje zgodbe --
06:33
thousands of pieces of data in six years.
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tisoče podatkov v šestih letih.
06:36
And I kind of got a handle on it.
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In nekako sem jih razumela.
06:38
I kind of understood, this is what shame is,
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Nekako sem razumela, to je sram,
06:40
this is how it works.
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tako deluje.
06:42
I wrote a book,
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Napisala sem knjigo,
06:44
I published a theory,
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objavila teorijo,
06:46
but something was not okay --
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toda nekaj ni bilo v redu --
06:49
and what it was is that,
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in bilo je to,
06:51
if I roughly took the people I interviewed
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če sem vzela ljudi, ki sem jih intervjuvala
06:53
and divided them into people
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in jih razdelila na tiste,
06:56
who really have a sense of worthiness --
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ki v resnici imajo občutek vrednosti,
06:59
that's what this comes down to,
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tukaj se namreč konča,
07:01
a sense of worthiness --
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pri občutku vrednosti --
07:03
they have a strong sense of love and belonging --
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imajo močan občutek ljubezni in pripadnosti --
07:06
and folks who struggle for it,
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in ljudi, ki se bojujejo za ta občutek,
07:08
and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
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in ljudi, ki se vedno sprašujejo ali so dovolj dobri.
07:10
There was only one variable
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Obstajala je samo ena spremenljivka,
07:12
that separated the people who have
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ki je ločevala ljudi, ki imajo
07:14
a strong sense of love and belonging
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močan občutek ljubezni in pripadnosti
07:16
and the people who really struggle for it.
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in ljudi, ki se resnično bojujejo zanj.
07:18
And that was, the people who have
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In sicer so ljudje, ki imajo
07:20
a strong sense of love and belonging
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močan občutek ljubezni in pripadnosti
07:22
believe they're worthy of love and belonging.
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verjeli, da so vredni ljubezni in pripadnosti.
07:25
That's it.
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To je to.
07:27
They believe they're worthy.
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Verjamejo, da so vredni.
07:30
And to me, the hard part
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In zame najtežji del
07:33
of the one thing that keeps us out of connection
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tistega, kar nas drži stran od povezanosti
07:36
is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,
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je naš strah, da nismo vredni povezanosti,
07:39
was something that, personally and professionally,
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je bilo nekaj, za kar sem čutila, da moram tako osebno kot profesionalno
07:41
I felt like I needed to understand better.
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bolje razumeti.
07:44
So what I did
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In kaj sem naredila,
07:47
is I took all of the interviews
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vzela sem vse intervjuje,
07:49
where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,
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kjer sem videla vrednost, kjer sem videla, da ljudje živijo na tak način,
07:52
and just looked at those.
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in pregledala samo te intervjuje.
07:55
What do these people have in common?
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Kaj imajo ti ljudje skupnega?
07:57
I have a slight office supply addiction,
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Imam majhno odvisnost od pisarniškega materiala,
07:59
but that's another talk.
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toda to je že drugo predavanje.
08:02
So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,
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Imela sem torej mapo in flomaster
08:05
and I was like, what am I going to call this research?
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in razmišljala sem kako naj poimenujem to raziskavo.
08:07
And the first words that came to my mind
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In prva beseda, ki mi je prišlo na misel
08:09
were whole-hearted.
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je bila iskreni.
08:11
These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.
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To so iskreni ljudje, ki živijo iz tega globokega občutka vrednosti.
08:14
So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,
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Zapisala sem to na mapo
08:17
and I started looking at the data.
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in začela pregledovati podatke.
08:19
In fact, I did it first
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V resnici sem to naredila
08:21
in a four-day
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v štirih dneh
08:23
very intensive data analysis,
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zelo intenzivne podatkovne analize,
08:26
where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents.
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v katerih sem se vrnila nazaj in pregledala intervjuje, zgodbe, incidente.
08:29
What's the theme? What's the pattern?
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Kaj je tema? Kakšen je vzorec?
08:32
My husband left town with the kids
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Moj mož je z otroci odšel iz mesta,
08:35
because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,
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saj vedno počnem noro stvar Jackson-a Pollack-a,
08:38
where I'm just like writing
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ko samo pišem
08:40
and in my researcher mode.
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v svojem raziskovalnem stanju.
08:43
And so here's what I found.
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In odkrila sem to.
08:47
What they had in common
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Kar so imeli skupnega
08:49
was a sense of courage.
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je bil pogum.
08:51
And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.
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In za trenutek želim ločiti med pogumom in hrabrostjo.
08:54
Courage, the original definition of courage,
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Pogum, originalna definicija poguma (courage),
08:56
when it first came into the English language --
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ko je beseda prvič prišla v angleški jezik --
08:58
it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart --
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je iz latinske besede cor, ki pomeni srce --
09:01
and the original definition
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in originalna definicija
09:03
was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
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naj bi povedalo zgodbo, kdo si s svojim celim srcem.
09:06
And so these folks
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In tako so ti ljudje,
09:08
had, very simply, the courage
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zelo enostavno, imeli pogum
09:10
to be imperfect.
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biti nepopolni.
09:13
They had the compassion
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Imeli so sočutje,
09:15
to be kind to themselves first and then to others,
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da so bili prijazni najprej do sebe in potem še do drugih,
09:18
because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people
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saj, kot se je izkazalo, ne moremo biti sočutni z drugimi,
09:21
if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
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če nismo prijazni do sebe.
09:24
And the last was they had connection,
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In nazadnje, imeli so povezanost,
09:26
and -- this was the hard part --
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in -- to je težji del --
09:28
as a result of authenticity,
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kot rezultat avtentičnosti,
09:31
they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be
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so bili pripravljeni spustiti tisto, kar so mislili, da morajo biti,
09:34
in order to be who they were,
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zato, da so bili tisto kar so.
09:36
which you have to absolutely do that
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In to moraš absolutno narediti
09:39
for connection.
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za povezanost.
09:43
The other thing that they had in common
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Druga skupna stvar
09:45
was this:
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pa je bila ta:
09:50
They fully embraced vulnerability.
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popolnoma so sprejeli ranljivost.
09:55
They believed
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Verjeli so,
09:58
that what made them vulnerable
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da jih tisto, kar jih naredi ranljive,
10:01
made them beautiful.
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naredi čudovite.
10:05
They didn't talk about vulnerability
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Niso rekli, da je ranljivost
10:07
being comfortable,
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prijetna,
10:09
nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --
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niti niso rekli, da je boleča --
10:12
as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.
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kot sem slišala v prejšnjih intervjujih o sramu.
10:14
They just talked about it being necessary.
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Povedali so samo, da je nujna.
10:18
They talked about the willingness
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Govorili so o pripravljenosti,
10:20
to say, "I love you" first,
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da prvi rečejo: "Ljubim te.",
10:23
the willingness
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pripravljenosti,
10:26
to do something
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da nekaj naredijo,
10:28
where there are no guarantees,
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čeprav ni nobenih zagotovil,
10:31
the willingness
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pripravljenosti
10:33
to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call
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predihati se skozi čakanje na zdravnikov klic
10:35
after your mammogram.
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po opravljeni mamografski preiskavi.
10:38
They're willing to invest in a relationship
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Pripravljeni so vlagati v odnos,
10:41
that may or may not work out.
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ki se mogoče bo, ali pa ne bo izšel.
10:44
They thought this was fundamental.
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Menili so, da je to osnova.
10:47
I personally thought it was betrayal.
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Jaz osebno sem mislila, da je to izdaja.
10:50
I could not believe I had pledged allegiance
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Nisem mogla verjeti, da sem prisegla zvestobo
10:53
to research, where our job --
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raziskovanju, kjer je naše delo --
10:55
you know, the definition of research
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saj veste, definicija raziskovanja
10:57
is to control and predict, to study phenomena,
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je nadzorovati in predvidevati, raziskovati,
11:00
for the explicit reason
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z jasnim namenom
11:02
to control and predict.
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nadzorovati in predvidevati.
11:04
And now my mission
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In zdaj je moja misija
11:06
to control and predict
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nadzorovati in predvidevati
11:08
had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability
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ugotovila, da je potrebno živeti z ranljivostjo
11:11
and to stop controlling and predicting.
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in prenehati nadzorovati in predvidevati.
11:14
This led to a little breakdown --
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To je pripeljalo do majhnega živčnega zloma --
11:17
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
11:21
-- which actually looked more like this.
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-- ki je v bistvu izgledal bolj takole.
11:24
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
11:26
And it did.
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In je res.
11:28
I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.
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Jaz ga imenujem živčni zlom; moja terapevtka to imenuje duhovno prebujenje.
11:32
A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,
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Duhovno prebujenje zveni bolje kot živčni zlom,
11:34
but I assure you it was a breakdown.
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toda zagotavljam vam, da je bil živčni zlom
11:36
And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.
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In morala sem odložiti svoje podatke in najti terapevta.
11:38
Let me tell you something: you know who you are
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Naj vam nekaj povem: kdo ste veste
11:41
when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody.
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takrat, ko pokličete svoje prijatelje in rečete "Mislim, da potrebujem nekoga.
11:44
Do you have any recommendations?"
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Imaš kakšen predlog?"
11:47
Because about five of my friends were like,
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Nekako pet mojih prijateljev je odreagiralo:
11:49
"Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist."
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"Vau. Ne bi želel biti tvoj terapevt."
11:51
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
11:54
I was like, "What does that mean?"
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In jaz: "Kaj pa to pomeni?"
11:56
And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.
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In oni: "Samo tako pravim, veš.
11:59
Don't bring your measuring stick."
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Ne prinesi merilne palice."
12:01
I was like, "Okay."
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In jaz "V redu."
12:06
So I found a therapist.
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In sem našla terapevtko.
12:08
My first meeting with her, Diana --
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Na moje prvo srečanje z njo, Diano --
12:11
I brought in my list
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sem prinesla svoj seznam
12:13
of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.
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kako živijo iskreni ljudje in sedla.
12:16
And she said, "How are you?"
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In vrašala me je: "Kako si?"
12:18
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."
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In odgovorila sem: "Dobro sem. V redu sem."
12:21
She said, "What's going on?"
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Vprašala je: "Kaj se dogaja?"
12:23
And this is a therapist who sees therapists,
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In to je terapevtka, ki dela s terapevti,
12:26
because we have to go to those,
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ker moramo hoditi k njim,
12:28
because their B.S. meters are good.
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ker so vajeni vsega živega.
12:31
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
12:33
And so I said,
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In sem dejala:
12:35
"Here's the thing, I'm struggling."
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"Takole je, borim se."
12:37
And she said, "What's the struggle?"
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In je odvrnila: "S čim se boriš?"
12:39
And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue.
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Jaz pa: "Imam težavo z ranljivostjo.
12:42
And I know that vulnerability is the core
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In vem, da je ranljivost bistvo
12:45
of shame and fear
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sramu in strahu
12:47
and our struggle for worthiness,
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in našega boja za vrednost,
12:49
but it appears that it's also the birthplace
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izgleda pa, da je tudi zibelka
12:52
of joy, of creativity,
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radosti in kretivnosti
12:55
of belonging, of love.
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pripadanja, ljubezni.
12:57
And I think I have a problem,
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In mislim, da imam problem
12:59
and I need some help."
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in potrebujem nekaj pomoči."
13:02
And I said, "But here's the thing:
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In sem dejala: "Pa še nekaj:
13:04
no family stuff,
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nič družinskih stvari,
13:06
no childhood shit."
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nič sranja iz otroštva."
13:08
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
13:10
"I just need some strategies."
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"Potrebujem samo nekaj strategij."
13:13
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
13:17
(Applause)
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(Ploskanje)
13:20
Thank you.
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Hvala.
13:24
So she goes like this.
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In potem naredi takole.
13:27
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
13:29
And then I said, "It's bad, right?"
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In rečem: "Je slabo, kajne?"
13:32
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
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In ona reče:"Ni niti dobro niti slabo."
13:35
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
13:37
"It just is what it is."
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"Je samo kar je."
13:39
And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."
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In jaz sem rekla: "Oh moj Bog, tole bo pa zanič."
13:42
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
13:45
And it did, and it didn't.
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In je bilo in ni bilo.
13:47
And it took about a year.
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In trajalo je približno eno leto.
13:50
And you know how there are people
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In veste, da so ljudje,
13:52
that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,
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ki se, takrat ko spoznajo, da sta ranljivost in občutljivost pomembna,
13:55
that they surrender and walk into it.
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predajo in stopijo vanju.
13:58
A: that's not me,
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A: to nisem jaz
14:00
and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.
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in B: niti družim se ne s takšnimi ljudmi.
14:03
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
14:06
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.
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Zame je bila to leto dni dolga borba.
14:09
It was a slugfest.
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Bla je težka borba.
14:11
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
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Ranljivost je pritisnila, jaz sem pritisnila nazaj.
14:13
I lost the fight,
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Borbo sem izgubila,
14:16
but probably won my life back.
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toda verjetno sem nazaj pridobila svoje življenje.
14:18
And so then I went back into the research
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In tako sem se vrnila k raziskavi
14:20
and spent the next couple of years
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in se naslednji dve leti
14:22
really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,
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resnično trudila, da bi razumela, kaj oni, iskreni,
14:25
what choices they were making,
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kako se odločajo,
14:27
and what are we doing
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in kaj počnemo
14:29
with vulnerability.
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z ranljivostjo.
14:31
Why do we struggle with it so much?
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Zakaj se tako močno bojujemo z njo?
14:33
Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?
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Ali sem sama v boju z ranljivostjo?
14:36
No.
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Ne.
14:38
So this is what I learned.
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Torej naučila sem se.
14:41
We numb vulnerability --
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Ranljivost otopimo --
14:44
when we're waiting for the call.
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ko čakamo na klic.
14:46
It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook
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Bilo je zabavno, ko sem na Twitter in Facebook poslala tekst:
14:48
that says, "How would you define vulnerability?
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"Kako bi opredelili ranljivost?
14:50
What makes you feel vulnerable?"
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Zaradi česa se čutite ranljive?"
14:52
And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.
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In v uri in pol sem dobila 150 odgovorov.
14:55
Because I wanted to know
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Ker sem želela vedeti,
14:57
what's out there.
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kaj je tam zunaj.
15:00
Having to ask my husband for help
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To, da moram moža prositi za pomoč,
15:02
because I'm sick, and we're newly married;
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ker sem bolna, in sva se šele pred kratkim poročila;
15:05
initiating sex with my husband;
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začeti seks s svojim možem;
15:08
initiating sex with my wife;
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začeti seks s svojo ženo;
15:10
being turned down; asking someone out;
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da me nekdo odbije; povabiti nekoga na zmenek;
15:13
waiting for the doctor to call back;
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čakanje na zdravnikov klic;
15:15
getting laid off; laying off people --
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biti odpuščen; odpuščati zaposlene --
15:18
this is the world we live in.
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to je svet, v katerem živimo.
15:20
We live in a vulnerable world.
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Živimo v ranljivem svetu.
15:23
And one of the ways we deal with it
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In eden izmed načinov, kako se soočamo z njim
15:25
is we numb vulnerability.
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je, da ranljivost otopimo.
15:27
And I think there's evidence --
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In mislim, da za to obstajajo dokazi --
15:29
and it's not the only reason this evidence exists,
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in ni edini razlog, da ti dokazi obstajajo,
15:31
but I think it's a huge cause --
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vendar mislim, da je pomemben razlog --
15:33
we are the most in-debt,
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smo najbolj zadolžena,
15:37
obese,
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predebela,
15:40
addicted and medicated
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odvisna in na zdravilih
15:43
adult cohort in U.S. history.
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odrasla kohorta v zgodovini ZDA.
15:48
The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --
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Težava je -- in do tega sem prišla z raziskavo --
15:51
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.
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da ne moreš selektivno otopeti čustev.
15:55
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.
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Ne moreš reči, tole je slabo.
15:58
Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame,
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Tukaj je ranljivost, tukaj je žalovanje, tukaj je sram,
16:00
here's fear, here's disappointment.
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tukaj je strah, tukaj je razočaranje.
16:02
I don't want to feel these.
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Tega nočem čutiti.
16:04
I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
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Popil bom dve pivi in pojedel bananin-oreščkov mafin.
16:07
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
16:09
I don't want to feel these.
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Tega nočem čutiti.
16:11
And I know that's knowing laughter.
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In vem, da je ta smeh smeh zavedanja.
16:13
I hack into your lives for a living.
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Saj je moje delo takšno, da preučujemo vaša življenja.
16:16
God.
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Bog.
16:18
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
16:20
You can't numb those hard feelings
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Ne moremo otopeti teh težkih čustev,
16:23
without numbing the other affects, our emotions.
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ne da bi otopeli druga naša čustva.
16:25
You cannot selectively numb.
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Ne moremo selektivno otopeti.
16:27
So when we numb those,
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Torej, ko otopimo tista,
16:30
we numb joy,
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otopimo veselje,
16:32
we numb gratitude,
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otopimo hvaležnost,
16:34
we numb happiness.
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otopimo srečo.
16:36
And then we are miserable,
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In potem smo nesrečni
16:39
and we are looking for purpose and meaning,
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in iščemo namen in smisel
16:41
and then we feel vulnerable,
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in potem se čutimo ranljive
16:43
so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
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in potem popijemo dve pivi in pojemo bananin-oreščkov mafin.
16:46
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
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In to postane nevaren krog.
16:51
One of the things that I think we need to think about
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Ena izmed stvari, o kateri menim da moramo razmišljati
16:54
is why and how we numb.
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je, zakaj in kako otopimo čustva.
16:56
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.
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In ni nujno, da je to ravno z odvisnostjo.
16:59
The other thing we do
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Drugo kar počnemo
17:01
is we make everything that's uncertain certain.
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je, da vse negotove stvari naredimo gotove.
17:05
Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery
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Religija se je razvila od verovanja v vero in skrivnost
17:08
to certainty.
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do gotovosti.
17:10
I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up.
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Jaz imam prav, ti nimaš prav. Utihni.
17:13
That's it.
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To je to.
17:15
Just certain.
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Samo gotovost.
17:17
The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,
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Bolj ko nas je strah, bolj ranljivi smo,
17:19
the more afraid we are.
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bolj nas je strah.
17:21
This is what politics looks like today.
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Tako danes izgleda politika.
17:23
There's no discourse anymore.
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Ni več dialoga.
17:25
There's no conversation.
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Ni pogovora.
17:27
There's just blame.
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Samo še obtoževanje.
17:29
You know how blame is described in the research?
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Ali veste, kako opišemo obtoževanje v raziskovanju?
17:32
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
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Način, da sprostimo bolečino in nelagodje.
17:36
We perfect.
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Perfekcioniramo.
17:38
If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,
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Če je kje kdo, ki bi želel, da njegovo življenje izgleda tako, sem to jaz,
17:41
but it doesn't work.
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vendar ne deluje.
17:43
Because what we do is we take fat from our butts
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Ker, jemljemo maščobo iz naših zadnjic
17:45
and put it in our cheeks.
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in jo dajemo v naša lica.
17:47
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
17:50
Which just, I hope in 100 years,
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Upam, da se bodo ljudje čez 100 let
17:52
people will look back and go, "Wow."
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ozrli nazaj na to in rekli: "vau".
17:54
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
17:56
And we perfect, most dangerously,
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In perfekcioniramo, kar je najbolj nevarno,
17:58
our children.
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svoje otroke.
18:00
Let me tell you what we think about children.
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Naj vam povem kako razmišljamo o otrocih.
18:02
They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.
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Ko pridejo sem so pripravljeni na napor.
18:05
And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,
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In ko držimo ta popolna majhna bitja v svoji roki,
18:08
our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect.
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naša naloga ni, da rečemo: "Poglej jo, popolna je.
18:10
My job is just to keep her perfect --
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Moja naloga je, da jo ohranim popolno --
18:12
make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade."
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poskrbim, da bo do petega razreda članica teniškega tima in do sedmega razreda na Yale-u."
18:15
That's not our job.
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To ni naša naloga.
18:17
Our job is to look and say,
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Naša naloga je, da pogledamo in rečemo:
18:19
"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle,
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"Veš kaj? Nisi popolna in pripravljena si na napore,
18:22
but you are worthy of love and belonging."
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toda vredna si ljubezni in pripadanja.
18:24
That's our job.
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To je naše delo.
18:26
Show me a generation of kids raised like that,
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Pokažite mi generacijo otrok, ki so bili tako vzgojeni
18:28
and we'll end the problems I think that we see today.
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in končali bomo težave, za katere verjamem, da jih danes imamo.
18:31
We pretend that what we do
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Pretvarjamo se, da to kar počnemo
18:35
doesn't have an effect on people.
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nima vpliva na ljudi.
18:38
We do that in our personal lives.
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To počnemo v zasebnem živjenju.
18:40
We do that corporate --
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To počnemo v poslu --
18:42
whether it's a bailout, an oil spill,
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pa naj bo to reševanje finančnih težav ali izlitje nafte,
18:44
a recall --
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odpoklic --
18:46
we pretend like what we're doing
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pretvarjamo se, da to kar počnemo
18:48
doesn't have a huge impact on other people.
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nima ogromnega vpliva na druge ljudi.
18:51
I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.
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Podjetjem bi rekla, to ni naš prvi rodeo ljudje.
18:55
We just need you to be authentic and real
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Želimo samo, da ste autentični in resnični
18:57
and say, "We're sorry.
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in rečete: "Žal nam je.
18:59
We'll fix it."
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Uredili bomo."
19:05
But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.
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Obstaja pa še ena pot, in s tem bom zaključila.
19:07
This is what I have found:
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Ugotovila sem tole:
19:09
to let ourselves be seen,
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da si dovolimo, da smo videni,
19:11
deeply seen,
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globoko videni,
19:13
vulnerably seen;
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ranljivo videni;
19:16
to love with our whole hearts,
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da ljubimo z vsem svojim srcem,
19:18
even though there's no guarantee --
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čeprav ni zagotovila --
19:20
and that's really hard,
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in to je resnično težko,
19:22
and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult --
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in kot starš vam lahko povem, da je nadvse težko --
19:27
to practice gratitude and joy
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da vadimo zahvalnost in radost
19:30
in those moments of terror,
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v teh trenutkih groze,
19:32
when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?
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ko se sprašujemo: "Ali te lahko ljubim tako močno?
19:34
Can I believe in this this passionately?
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Ali lahko strastno verjamem v to?
19:36
Can I be this fierce about this?"
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Sem lahko tako silovit v tem?"
19:39
just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,
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Da smo sposobni ustaviti se in namesto, da bi kar se utegne zgoditi videli kot katastrofo,
19:41
to say, "I'm just so grateful,
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reči: "Tako zelo sem hvaležen,
19:44
because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."
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ker to da čutim takšno ranljivost, pomeni da sem živ."
19:48
And the last, which I think is probably the most important,
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In zadnje, kar menim, da je verjetno najpomebnejše
19:51
is to believe that we're enough.
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je, da verjamemo, da smo zadostni.
19:54
Because when we work from a place,
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Ker, kadar delujemo iz
19:56
I believe, that says, "I'm enough,"
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prepričanja, ki pravi: "Zadosten sem",
20:00
then we stop screaming and start listening,
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prenehamo kričati in začnemo poslušati,
20:04
we're kinder and gentler to the people around us,
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prijaznejši smo in nežnejši do ljudi okoli nas
20:06
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
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in prijaznejši in nežnejši smo do sebe.
20:09
That's all I have. Thank you.
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To je vse kar imam. Hvala.
20:11
(Applause)
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(Ploskanje)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcherBrené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.
Why you should listen
Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. She poses the questions:
How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?
Brené Brown | Speaker | TED.com