TED2016
Kio Stark: Why you should talk to strangers
कियो स्टार्क: अपरिचित व्यक्तिसंग किन कुरा गर्नु आवश्यक छ
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"जब तपाईं अपरिचित व्यक्तिसंग कुरा गर्नुहुन्छ - तपाई आफ्नो र उनीहरुको दैनिक जीवनमा केही छाप छोड्दै हुनुहुन्छ " - कियो स्टार्कको बिचारमा / यस दिलचस्प कुराकानीमा स्टार्क अपरिचित संगको वर्तालापको गलत धारणाको बारेमा उल्लेख गर्दै नया मानिस संगको कुराकानीले जीवनमा लेराउने महत्वपूर्ण विषयको बारेमा उल्लेख गर्दैछिन् /
Kio Stark - Stranger enthusiast
Kio Stark explores the myriad ways encounters with strangers impact our lives. Full bio
Kio Stark explores the myriad ways encounters with strangers impact our lives. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
There are things we say
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कुनै अपरचित व्यक्ति वा
00:14
when we catch the eye of a stranger
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कुनै छिमेकी भेट हुदा, हामी अभिवादनस्वरूप
00:16
or a neighbor walking by.
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केही कुरा सोध्दछौं ।
00:19
We say, "Hello, how are you?
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"के छ? कस्तो छ ?
00:22
It's a beautiful day.
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आजको दिन रमाइलो छ है ?
00:23
How do you feel?"
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तपाईंलाइ के लागेको छ.. "
00:25
These sound kind of meaningless, right?
And, in some ways, they are.
And, in some ways, they are.
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यस्सो हेर्दा, यी कुराहरु बेमतलबका
जस्ता लाग्छन् ।
जस्ता लाग्छन् ।
00:29
They have no semantic meaning.
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यीनले विशेष अर्थ पनि राख्दैनन् ।
00:32
It doesn't matter how you are
or what the day is like.
or what the day is like.
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तपाईंलाइ कस्तो छ, वा आजको दिन
जे जस्तो छ, त्यसले फरक पार्दैन ।
जे जस्तो छ, त्यसले फरक पार्दैन ।
00:35
They have something else.
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तर यसको अर्कै महत्व छ ।
00:37
They have social meaning.
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यिनीहरुको सामाजिक अर्थ छ ।
00:40
What we mean when we say those things is:
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यी कुराहरु सोध्नुको अर्थ हो:
00:42
I see you there.
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त्यस्तै कामना ।
00:45
I'm obsessed with talking to strangers.
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मलाई अपरिचित संग कुरा गर्न आनन्द आउँछ ।
00:49
I make eye contact, say hello,
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म आँखामा हेरेर, उनीहरुको हालखबर सोध्छु,
00:51
I offer help, I listen.
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मद्दत गर्न तयार हुन्छु, कुरा सुन्छु ।
00:54
I get all kinds of stories.
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विभिन्न कथाहरु सुन्ने मौका पाउछु ।
00:57
About seven years ago, I started
documenting my experiences
documenting my experiences
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लगभग ७ बर्ष अगाडिदेखि, मैंले यी कुराहरु
लिपिबद्ध गर्न थालेको छु ।
लिपिबद्ध गर्न थालेको छु ।
01:01
to try to figure out why.
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यसको कारण खोतल्न थालेको छु ।
01:03
What I found was that something
really beautiful was going on.
really beautiful was going on.
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यसबाट मैंले निकै सुन्दर कुराहरु भैरहेको
अनुभव गरेको छु ।
अनुभव गरेको छु ।
01:07
This is almost poetic.
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लगभग काव्यमय हुदैछ ।
01:10
These were really profound experiences.
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यसबाट अत्यन्त गहीरो अनुभव हुदैछ,
01:13
They were unexpected pleasures.
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अप्रत्याशित सुख मिल्दै छ ।
01:15
They were genuine emotional connections.
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तिनले गहिरो भावनात्मक सम्बन्ध जोड्दैछन् ।
01:18
They were liberating moments.
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स्वतन्त्रताको अनुभब दिदैछन् ।
01:22
So one day, I was standing on a corner
waiting for the light to change,
waiting for the light to change,
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एकदिनको कुरा हो, न्यूयोर्कको एउटा सडकमा
रातो बत्ती बल्ने
रातो बत्ती बल्ने
01:26
which, I'm a New Yorker,
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प्रतीक्षा गर्दै थिएँ ।
01:27
so that means I was actually standing
in the street on the storm drain,
in the street on the storm drain,
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अझ भनौ, बर्षातको पानी बग्ने पाइपमाथि
उभिएको थिएँ,
उभिएको थिएँ,
01:31
as if that could get me across faster.
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मानौ यतैबाट छिटो पुगिन्छ ।
01:34
And there's an old man
standing next to me.
standing next to me.
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मेरो छेवैमा एकजना बृद्ध मानिस उभिएका थिए ।
01:36
So he's wearing, like, a long overcoat
and sort of an old-man hat,
and sort of an old-man hat,
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लामो ओभरकोट, पुरानो खालको टोप लगाएको
त्यो बृद्ध मान्छे
त्यो बृद्ध मान्छे
01:40
and he looked like somebody from a movie.
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चलचित्रको मान्छे जस्तै देखिन्थ्यो ।
01:43
And he says to me,
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उसले मलाई भन्यो -
01:44
"Don't stand there. You might disappear."
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"त्यहाँ नउभ्भ / बेपत्ता होलाऊ "
01:48
So this is absurd, right?
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के भन्या होला त्यो ?
01:49
But I did what he said.
I stepped back onto the sidewalk.
I stepped back onto the sidewalk.
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तैपनि, मैंले उसले भने जस्तै गरें
म पेटीमा झरें ।
म पेटीमा झरें ।
01:52
And he smiled, and he said,
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हास्दै उसले भन्यो -
01:54
"Good. You never know.
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"ठीक गर्यौ।"
01:56
I might have turned around,
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आँखा झिमिक्क गर्दा, तिमी
01:57
and zoop, you're gone."
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बेपत्ता भैसक्न केही बेर हुन्न "
02:01
This was weird,
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यो प्रसङ्ग हाँसो उठ्दो थियो
02:03
and also really wonderful.
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रमाइलो पनि थियो ।
02:06
He was so warm, and he was
so happy that he'd saved me.
so happy that he'd saved me.
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मलाई बचाउन पाएकोमा उ प्रशन्न थियो ।
02:09
We had this little bond.
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केहीबेर सन्नाटा छायो ।
02:11
For a minute, I felt like
my existence as a person
my existence as a person
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केहि बेरमा मलाई लाग्यो, एउटा
व्यक्तिको रुपमा मेरो उपस्थिति
व्यक्तिको रुपमा मेरो उपस्थिति
02:16
had been noticed,
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कसैले अनुभब गर्यो
02:18
and I was worth saving.
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र बचाउन आवश्यक पनि ठानियें ।
02:23
The really sad thing is,
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दु:खको कुरा,
02:24
in many parts of the world,
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संसारको धेरै भागमा
02:26
we're raised to believe
that strangers are dangerous by default,
that strangers are dangerous by default,
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अपरिचितहरु डरलाग्दा हुन्छन, र उनीहरुको
02:30
that we can't trust them,
that they might hurt us.
that they might hurt us.
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बिश्वास गर्न हुन्न भन्ने मान्यता छ ।
02:34
But most strangers aren't dangerous.
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तर अधिकांश अपरिचितहरु डरलाग्दा हुदैनन् ।
02:36
We're uneasy around them
because we have no context.
because we have no context.
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कुनै बिषय बस्तु नभएकोले संगै हुँदा
हामीलाई अप्ठ्यारो लाग्छ ।
हामीलाई अप्ठ्यारो लाग्छ ।
02:40
We don't know what their intentions are.
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हामीलाई उनीहरुको नियत थाहा हुदैन ।
02:43
So instead of using our perceptions
and making choices,
and making choices,
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त्यसैले सजिलोको लागि, हामी उनीहरुलाई
"अपरिचित"को
"अपरिचित"को
02:46
we rely on this category of "stranger."
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खोल ओडाएर आफु निर्धक्क हुन खोज्छौं ।
02:51
I have a four-year-old.
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मेरो एउटा ४ बर्षकी छोरी छ ।
02:52
When I say hello to people on the street,
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बाटोमा कुनै मान्छेसंग जब म बोल्छु,
02:54
she asks me why.
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मेरो छोरी मलाई सोध्द्छे -
02:56
She says, "Do we know them?"
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तपाईंले त्यो मान्छे लाइ चिन्नुभाको छ ?
03:00
I say, "No, they're our neighbor."
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म भन्छु - "छैन, ती हाम्रा छिमेकी हुन्"
03:02
"Are they our friend?"
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"तिनीहरु तपाईंको साथी हुन्?"
03:04
"No, it's just good to be friendly."
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"होइन, तर मित्रवत बन्नु राम्रो हो"
03:07
I think twice every time
I say that to her,
I say that to her,
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मलाई लाग्छ, प्रत्येक चोटी दुइपटक मैंले
उसलाई यसोभनेकै हुन्छु,
उसलाई यसोभनेकै हुन्छु,
03:11
because I mean it,
but as a woman, particularly,
but as a woman, particularly,
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किन कि एउटी महिला हुनाको नाताले ।
03:14
I know that not every stranger
on the street has the best intentions.
on the street has the best intentions.
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अर्को, बाटोमा हिड्ने सबै व्यक्तिको नियत
राम्रै हुन्छ भन्न सकिन्न ।
राम्रै हुन्छ भन्न सकिन्न ।
03:18
It is good to be friendly,
and it's good to learn when not to be,
and it's good to learn when not to be,
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मित्रवत् बन्नु राम्रो हो,
र कतिखेर नबन्ने हो, त्यो सिक्नुपर्छ ।
र कतिखेर नबन्ने हो, त्यो सिक्नुपर्छ ।
03:22
but none of that means
we have to be afraid.
we have to be afraid.
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तर त्यसो भन्दैमा डराउनुपर्ने
केही कारण छैन ।
केही कारण छैन ।
03:26
There are two huge benefits
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डराउनुको सट्टा आफ्नो विवेक प्रयोग गर्नुको
03:29
to using our senses instead of our fears.
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२ वटा ठुला फाइदाहरु छन्:
03:33
The first one is that it liberates us.
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पहिलो - डरबाट मुक्ति ।
03:37
When you think about it,
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यस विषयमा कुरा गर्दा -
03:39
using perception instead of categories
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कसैको बारेमा धारणा बनाएर बस्नु भन्दा
03:42
is much easier said than done.
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प्रत्यक्ष अनुभव गर्नु नै राम्रो हो ।
03:44
Categories are something our brains use.
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हाम्रो दिमाग वर्गीकरण गर्न पोख्त छ ।
03:47
When it comes to people,
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जब कोही मानिस अगाडी देखिन्छ,
03:49
it's sort of a shortcut
for learning about them.
for learning about them.
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उनीहरुको बारेमा थाहा पाउन छोटो उपाय खोज्छ
03:52
We see male, female, young, old,
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हामी : पुरुष, महिला, युवा, बृद्ध,
03:56
black, brown, white, stranger, friend,
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खैरो, कालो, अपरचित, मित्रको रुपमा
04:00
and we use the information in that box.
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पूर्व जानकारी खोतल्न थाल्छ ।
04:04
It's quick, it's easy
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यो छिटो छरितो तरिका हो,
04:05
and it's a road to bias.
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तर यसले पूर्वाग्रहको बाटोमा लैजान्छ।
04:08
And it means we're not thinking
about people as individuals.
about people as individuals.
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यसको अर्थ, हामी कुनै पनि व्यक्तिलाई एउटा
छुटै व्यक्तिको रुपमा हेर्दैनौं
छुटै व्यक्तिको रुपमा हेर्दैनौं
04:13
I know an American researcher
who travels frequently
who travels frequently
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मलाई एक अमेरिकी अनुसन्धानकर्ताको
सम्झना आउँछ, जो एक्लै
सम्झना आउँछ, जो एक्लै
04:17
in Central Asia and Africa, alone.
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मध्य एशिया र अफ्रिकाको भ्रमण
गर्नेगर्थिन् ।
गर्नेगर्थिन् ।
04:20
She's entering into towns and cities
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एउटा पूर्ण अपरिचितको रुपमा उनी
04:23
as a complete stranger.
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गाउँ, शहरमा पुग्थिन् ।
04:25
She has no bonds, no connections.
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उनको कुनै नातेदार थिएन, कुनै सम्पर्क थिएन,
04:28
She's a foreigner.
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एउटा शुद्ध विदेशी ।
04:29
Her survival strategy is this:
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उनको बाँच्ने तरिका थियो :
04:32
get one stranger to see you
as a real, individual person.
as a real, individual person.
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उनलाई छुट्टै र वास्तविक रुपमा हेर्ने
एउटा मान्छे खोज्ने ।
एउटा मान्छे खोज्ने ।
04:36
If you can do that, it'll help
other people see you that way, too.
other people see you that way, too.
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त्यस्तो गर्न सक्नुभयो भने, अरुले पनि
तपाईंलाइ त्यस्तै नजरले हेर्नेछन् ।
तपाईंलाइ त्यस्तै नजरले हेर्नेछन् ।
04:40
The second benefit of using our senses
has to do with intimacy.
has to do with intimacy.
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स्व बिबेक प्रयोग गर्नुको दोस्रो फाइदा
भनेको आत्मीयता हो ।
भनेको आत्मीयता हो ।
04:46
I know it sounds
a little counterintuitive,
a little counterintuitive,
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मलाई थाहा छ - यो अलि अनौठो लाग्ने कुरा हो
04:48
intimacy and strangers,
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- अपरिचितसंग आत्मीयता ।
04:50
but these quick interactions
can lead to a feeling
can lead to a feeling
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तर यस्तो छोटो कुराकानीले
समाजसेवीहरुको भाषामा भनिने "क्षणीक
घनिष्टता" को महसुश हुन्छ ।
घनिष्टता" को महसुश हुन्छ ।
04:54
that sociologists call
"fleeting intimacy."
"fleeting intimacy."
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04:57
So, it's a brief experience
that has emotional resonance and meaning.
that has emotional resonance and meaning.
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यो एउटा छोटो अनुभब हो जहाँ, भावनात्मक
अनुभूतिको अर्थ तथा महत्व रहन्छ ।
अनुभूतिको अर्थ तथा महत्व रहन्छ ।
05:03
It's the good feeling I got
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यो यस्तो शुन्दर अनुभूति हो,
जुन कहिले
जुन कहिले
05:05
from being saved from the death trap
of the storm drain by the old man,
of the storm drain by the old man,
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बाटो काट्न उभिएको ढलबाट ती बूढा मान्छेले
बचाएको घटना सम्झिंदा
बचाएको घटना सम्झिंदा
05:10
or how I feel like part of a community
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वा काममा जाँदा रेलमा भेटिने मान्छेसंग
कुरा गर्दा
कुरा गर्दा
05:13
when I talk to somebody
on my train on the way to work.
on my train on the way to work.
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आफू पनि त्यही समाजको सदस्य भएको
अनुभव गर्दा भेटिन्छ ।
अनुभव गर्दा भेटिन्छ ।
05:17
Sometimes it goes further.
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कहिले कहीं, यो प्रसंग अझ गहिरो हुन्छ ।
05:19
Researchers have found
that people often feel more comfortable
that people often feel more comfortable
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अनुसन्धानकर्ताहरुले भनेअनुसार मानिसहरु
आफ्नो साथीहरु वा
आफ्नो साथीहरु वा
05:24
being honest and open
about their inner selves with strangers
about their inner selves with strangers
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परिवारका सदस्य संग भन्दा अपरिचितसंग
कुरा गर्दा अझ बढी
कुरा गर्दा अझ बढी
05:28
than they do with their friends
and their families --
and their families --
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खुलस्त तथा इमान्दार भएर आफ्नो
भित्री कुरा गर्ने गर्छन् -
भित्री कुरा गर्ने गर्छन् -
05:32
that they often feel
more understood by strangers.
more understood by strangers.
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अपरिचितहरुले नै उनीहरुलाई बढी बुज्दछन् ।
05:37
This gets reported in the media
with great lament.
with great lament.
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यस्तोकुरा लाइ संचार माध्यमले बढो
शोकपूर्वक सुनाउछन् ।
शोकपूर्वक सुनाउछन् ।
05:41
"Strangers communicate
better than spouses!"
better than spouses!"
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"अपरिचितहरुले आफ्नो जीवनसाथीले भन्दा
बढी बुज्दछन्" ।
बढी बुज्दछन्" ।
05:44
It's a good headline, right?
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गज्ज़बको "हेड लाइन" छैन त?
05:47
I think it entirely misses the point.
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मेरो बिचारमा यहाँ महत्वपूर्ण कुरा नै
छुटेको छ ।
छुटेको छ ।
05:51
The important thing about these studies
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अध्ययनहरुले भन्न खोजेको महत्वपूर्ण कुरा-
05:53
is just how significant
these interactions can be;
these interactions can be;
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यस्ता साना कुराकानी कत्तिको उपयोगी छ;
05:56
how this special form of closeness
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यसबाट प्राप्त हुने आत्मीयताको
05:59
gives us something we need
as much as we need our friends
as much as we need our friends
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मान्छेलाइ त्यतिनै खाँचो छ जति परिवार र
06:02
and our families.
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साथीहरुबाट प्राप्त हुन्छ।
06:04
So how is it possible that we communicate
so well with strangers?
so well with strangers?
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अपरिचितहरुसंग राम्रोसंग सम्पर्क बनाउन
केले गर्दा सम्भव हुन्छ ?
केले गर्दा सम्भव हुन्छ ?
06:10
There are two reasons.
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यसका दुईवटा कारण छन्:
06:12
The first one is that
it's a quick interaction.
it's a quick interaction.
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पहिलो छ - शीघ्र वार्तालाप ।
06:15
It has no consequences.
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यसबाट कुनै निष्कर्ष निस्किदैन ।
06:17
It's easy to be honest with someone
you're never going to see again, right?
you're never going to see again, right?
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दोहोराएर भेट नहुने कुनै पनि मानिससंग सोझो
कुरा गर्न सकिन्छ, कि कसो ?
कुरा गर्न सकिन्छ, कि कसो ?
06:20
That makes sense.
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त्यसो भन्न सकिन्छ ।
06:22
The second reason is where
it gets more interesting.
it gets more interesting.
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दोश्रो कारण अझ रोचक छ ।
06:25
We have a bias when it comes
to people we're close to.
to people we're close to.
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आफ्नो नजिक भएका मानिससंग कुरा गर्दा
हामी पूर्वाग्रही हुन्छौं ।
हामी पूर्वाग्रही हुन्छौं ।
06:29
We expect them to understand us.
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हामी उनीहरुले कुरा बुझ्ने अपेक्षा राख्छौं।
06:32
We assume they do,
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हामी बुझे होला भन्ठान्छौं
06:33
and we expect them to read our minds.
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र मनको कुरा बुझून् भन्ने सोच्छौं ।
06:36
So imagine you're at a party,
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कल्पना गरौँ, तपाईं एउटा पार्टीमा
हुनुहुन्छ र
हुनुहुन्छ र
06:39
and you can't believe
that your friend or your spouse
that your friend or your spouse
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तपाईंलाइ चाडै हिड्न मनलागेको कुरा
नबुझेर तपाईंको परिवार वा साथीले
नबुझेर तपाईंको परिवार वा साथीले
06:42
isn't picking up on it
that you want to leave early.
that you want to leave early.
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जाऊ भनेन भन्ने कुराको कल्पना
गर्न सक्नुहुन्न ।
गर्न सक्नुहुन्न ।
06:45
And you're thinking,
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अनि तपाईं मनमनै भन्नुहुन्छ -
06:46
"I gave you the look."
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"अघिदेखि आँखा सन्काइ रहेको छु त"
06:50
With a stranger, we have
to start from scratch.
to start from scratch.
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उता अपरिचितसंग कुरा गर्दा
शून्यबाट सुरु गर्नुपर्छ ।
शून्यबाट सुरु गर्नुपर्छ ।
06:53
We tell the whole story,
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हामी उनीहरुलाई हामी को हो,
06:55
we explain who the people are,
how we feel about them;
how we feel about them;
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उनीहरुलाई भेटेर कस्तो लागिरहेछ भनेर
आफ्नो सबै कुरा सुनाउछौं;
आफ्नो सबै कुरा सुनाउछौं;
06:58
we spell out all the inside jokes.
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आफ्ना गोप्य कुराहरु खोल्छौं ।
07:00
And guess what?
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त्यसको अर्थ के भयो त ? भन्दा
07:02
Sometimes they do
understand us a little better.
understand us a little better.
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कहिले कहीं, उनीहरुले हामी भन्दा
राम्रै कुरा बुझिदिन्छ्न
राम्रै कुरा बुझिदिन्छ्न
07:06
OK.
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पक्कै पनि
07:07
So now that we know
that talking to strangers matters,
that talking to strangers matters,
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यहाँसम्म आइपुग्दा हामीले अपरिचितसंग
कुरा गर्नुको अर्थ बुझ्यौं ।
कुरा गर्नुको अर्थ बुझ्यौं ।
07:10
how does it work?
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तर यसले काम कसरी गर्छ त ?
07:12
There are unwritten rules
we tend to follow.
we tend to follow.
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त्यहाँ केहि अलिखित नियमहरु छन्
जसको पालना गर्नुपर्छ ।
जसको पालना गर्नुपर्छ ।
07:15
The rules are very different
depending on what country you're in,
depending on what country you're in,
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देश वा संस्कृति अनुसार नियमहरु
07:19
what culture you're in.
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फरकफरक हुन्छन् ।
07:21
In most parts of the US,
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अमेरिकाको धेरैजसो भागमा,
07:23
the baseline expectation in public
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मानिसहरु शिष्टाचार र गोपनीयताको
07:25
is that we maintain a balance
between civility and privacy.
between civility and privacy.
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सन्तुलन रहोस भन्ने विचार गर्दछन् ।
07:30
This is known as civil inattention.
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यसलाई उनीहरु "शिस्ट उपेक्षा" भन्छन् ।
07:33
So, imagine two people are walking
towards each other on the street.
towards each other on the street.
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मानौं सडकमा दुई जना विपरीत दिशाबाट
एक अर्काको नजीक आउदैछन् ।
एक अर्काको नजीक आउदैछन् ।
07:37
They'll glance at each other
from a distance.
from a distance.
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परैबाट उनीहरु एक अर्कालाई
देखादेख गर्दछन् ।
देखादेख गर्दछन् ।
07:39
That's the civility, the acknowledgment.
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यो सामाजिकता वा शिस्टाचार हो ।
07:41
And then as they get closer,
they'll look away,
they'll look away,
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जसै उनीहरु एक अर्काको नजीक पुग्छन्,
एक अर्काको
एक अर्काको
07:43
to give each other some space.
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सहजताको लागि अलि टाढा हेर्छन् ।
07:47
In other cultures,
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कुनै अरु संस्कृतिमा
07:48
people go to extraordinary lengths
not to interact at all.
not to interact at all.
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मानिसहरु एक अर्कासंग संगत नगर्न
हदै पार गर्दछन् ।
हदै पार गर्दछन् ।
07:54
People from Denmark tell me
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डेनमार्कका मानिसले भनेको -
07:56
that many Danes are so averse
to talking to strangers,
to talking to strangers,
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अपरिचितसंग वार्तालाप गर्न यतिसम्म
चाहन्नन् कि,
चाहन्नन् कि,
08:00
that they would rather
miss their stop on the bus
miss their stop on the bus
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बसमा उनीहरु आफ्नो स्टप भन्दा
पर पुग्न तयार हुन्छन्,
पर पुग्न तयार हुन्छन्,
08:03
than say "excuse me" to someone
that they need to get around.
that they need to get around.
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तर आफू अगाडी भएको मान्छेसंग
बाटो माग्दैनन् ।
बाटो माग्दैनन् ।
08:07
Instead, there's this elaborate
shuffling of bags
shuffling of bags
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आफ्नो झोला अगाडी सारेर वा
08:10
and using your body to say
that you need to get past,
that you need to get past,
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सांकेतिक रुपमा अगाडी जानुपरेको
संकेत गर्छन्,
संकेत गर्छन्,
08:13
instead of using two words.
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तर बाटो माग्न दुई शब्द बोल्दैनन् ।
08:18
In Egypt, I'm told,
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मैंले सुनेको, इजिप्टमा,
08:20
it's rude to ignore a stranger,
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अतिथि सत्कारको यति ठुलो महत्व छ कि,
08:23
and there's a remarkable
culture of hospitality.
culture of hospitality.
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अपरिचितको उपेक्षा गर्नुलाई
साह्रै अशिष्ट मानिन्छ ।
साह्रै अशिष्ट मानिन्छ ।
08:27
Strangers might ask each other
for a sip of water.
for a sip of water.
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अपरिचितहरु एक अर्कासंग एक घुट्को पानी
पनि साटासाट गर्न सक्छन् ।
पनि साटासाट गर्न सक्छन् ।
08:30
Or, if you ask someone for directions,
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अथवा भनौ, तपाईले कसैसंग
बाटो सोध्नुभयो भने
बाटो सोध्नुभयो भने
08:33
they're very likely
to invite you home for coffee.
to invite you home for coffee.
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उनीहरुले तपाईंलाइ कफि खुवाउन घर लग्ने
समेत सम्भावना हुन्छ ।
समेत सम्भावना हुन्छ ।
08:37
We see these unwritten rules
most clearly when they're broken,
most clearly when they're broken,
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यस्ता अलिखित नियमहरु तब मात्रै अनुभव
हुन्छन्, जब उनीहरु दु:खि देखिन्छन्
हुन्छन्, जब उनीहरु दु:खि देखिन्छन्
08:41
or when you're in a new place
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वा तपाई नया ठाउंमा पुगेर के गर्दा ठिक होला
08:43
and you're trying to figure out
what the right thing to do is.
what the right thing to do is.
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भन्ने कुराको भेउ पाउने कोशिस
गर्दै हुनुहुन्छ ।
गर्दै हुनुहुन्छ ।
08:47
Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit
is where the action is.
is where the action is.
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कहिले कहीं यी नियम तोड्नलाई
केही कार्य नै गर्नुपर्छ ।
केही कार्य नै गर्नुपर्छ ।
08:54
In case it's not clear,
I really want you to do this. OK?
I really want you to do this. OK?
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कुरा प्रस्ट भएको छैन भने म
प्रस्ट पार्छु, है त?
प्रस्ट पार्छु, है त?
08:59
So here's how it's going to go.
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हेर्नुस् कसरी अगाडी बढ्ने ।
09:01
Find somebody who is making eye contact.
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पहिले तपाईंलाई हेरिरहेको मान्छे खोज्नुस् ।
09:03
That's a good signal.
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यो पहिलो सकारात्मक संकेत हो ।
09:05
The first thing is a simple smile.
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त्यसपछिको पहिलो काम हो - मीठो मुस्कान ।
09:08
If you're passing somebody on the street
or in the hallway here, smile.
or in the hallway here, smile.
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तपाईं नजिक आउदै गरेको मानिसलाई हेरर
मुस्कुराउनुहोस् ।
मुस्कुराउनुहोस् ।
09:12
See what happens.
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हेर्नुहोस अनि के हुन्छ ।
09:14
Another is triangulation.
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अर्को छ त्रिकोणीय विधि ।
09:16
There's you, there's a stranger,
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तपाई हुनुहुन्छ, अपरिचित त्यहाँ छ,
09:18
there's some third thing
that you both might see and comment on,
that you both might see and comment on,
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त्यहाँ तेस्रो कुनै वस्तु हुनुपर्छ जसलाई
देखेर दुवैले प्रतिक्रिया जनाउन मिलोस् ।
देखेर दुवैले प्रतिक्रिया जनाउन मिलोस् ।
09:23
like a piece of public art
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जस्तै: कुनै पेन्टिंग, वा
09:25
or somebody preaching in the street
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सडकमा भाषण दिंदै गरेको कुनै मान्छे,
09:27
or somebody wearing funny clothes.
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वा अनौठो पहिरन भएको कुनै मानिस ।
09:30
Give it a try.
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प्रयास गर्नुहोस् ।
09:31
Make a comment about that third thing,
and see if starts a conversation.
and see if starts a conversation.
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तेस्रो वस्तुमा प्रतिक्रिया जनाउनुहोस् र
हेर्नुस, वार्तालाप सुरु हुन्छ कि ?
हेर्नुस, वार्तालाप सुरु हुन्छ कि ?
09:36
Another is what I call noticing.
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अर्को तरिका छ - प्रतिक्रिया जनाउने ।
09:38
This is usually giving a compliment.
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साधारणतया यसमा प्रशंसा गर्ने गरिन्छ ।
09:41
I'm a big fan of noticing people's shoes.
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मलाई अरु मान्छेको जुत्ता याद गर्न
खुब मन पर्छ ।
खुब मन पर्छ ।
09:44
I'm actually not wearing
fabulous shoes right now,
fabulous shoes right now,
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यतिखेर मैंले एकदम राम्रो जुत्ता
लगाईरहेको त छैन
लगाईरहेको त छैन
09:47
but shoes are fabulous in general.
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तर जुत्ताहरु एकदमै राम्रा हुन्छन् ।
09:49
And they're pretty neutral
as far as giving compliments goes.
as far as giving compliments goes.
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जुत्ताको प्रशंसा गर्नु स्वाभाविक
पनि देखिन्छ ।
पनि देखिन्छ ।
09:53
People always want to tell you things
about their awesome shoes.
about their awesome shoes.
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मान्छेहरु आफ्नो राम्रो जुत्ताको बारेमा
सुनाउन सधैं उत्सुक पनि हुन्छन् ।
सुनाउन सधैं उत्सुक पनि हुन्छन् ।
09:57
You may have already experienced
the dogs and babies principle.
the dogs and babies principle.
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तपाईंहरुले बच्चाहरु एवं कुकुरहरुको
तरिका त पक्कै प्रयोग गरिसक्नुभएको होला ।
तरिका त पक्कै प्रयोग गरिसक्नुभएको होला ।
10:01
It can be awkward
to talk to someone on the street;
to talk to someone on the street;
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बाटोमा नचिनेको मान्छेसंग कुरागर्नु
असहज पनि हुन्छ
असहज पनि हुन्छ
10:03
you don't know how
they're going to respond.
they're going to respond.
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उनीहरुले कस्तो प्रतिक्रिया
जनाउछन् थाहाहुन्न
जनाउछन् थाहाहुन्न
10:06
But you can always talk
to their dog or their baby.
to their dog or their baby.
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तर उनीहरुको बच्चा वा कुकुरसंग
सधैं कुरा गर्न सकिन्छ
सधैं कुरा गर्न सकिन्छ
10:08
The dog or the baby
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मानिसको लागि बच्चा वा कुकुर
10:09
is a social conduit to the person,
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सामाजिक सम्बाहक हुन्, र तिनीहरुप्रति
10:13
and you can tell by how they respond
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जनाएको प्रतिक्रियाबाट उनीहरु
10:15
whether they're open to talking more.
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कुरा गर्न कतिको उत्सुक छन्, थाहा हुन्छ
10:18
The last one I want to challenge you to
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अन्तिम तथा चुनौतीपूर्ण अर्को तरिका छ -
10:20
is disclosure.
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खुलासा गर्नु ।
10:22
This is a very vulnerable thing to do,
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यो तरिका अति सम्वेदनशील छ
10:24
and it can be very rewarding.
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तर यो निकै उपयोगी हुनसक्छ ।
10:27
So next time you're talking to a stranger
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अर्कोपल्ट कुनै अपरिचित संग कुरा गर्दा
10:29
and you feel comfortable,
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तपाईंलाइ सहज महशुस भयो भने
10:31
tell them something true about yourself,
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आफ्नो कुनै व्यक्तिगत कुरा सुनाउनुहोस्
10:34
something really personal.
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कुनै नितान्त व्यक्तिगत कुरा
10:36
You might have that experience
I talked about of feeling understood.
I talked about of feeling understood.
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तपाइलाई अनुभब होला, केही मानिसले
तपाईंलाइ सहजै बुज्न सक्छन् ।
तपाईंलाइ सहजै बुज्न सक्छन् ।
10:41
Sometimes in conversation, it comes up,
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कहिलेकहीं कुराकानीको क्रममा मानिसहरु
10:43
people ask me, "What does your dad do?"
or, "Where does he live?"
or, "Where does he live?"
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प्रश्न गर्छन् - तपाईंको बुवा के काम
गर्नुहुन्छ, कहाँ हुनुहुन्छ ?
गर्नुहुन्छ, कहाँ हुनुहुन्छ ?
10:47
And sometimes I tell them the whole truth,
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कहिले कहिँ म उनीहरुलाइ वास्तविक कुरा भन्छु
10:49
which is that he died when I was a kid.
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मेरो बुवा म सानै हुँदा बित्नुभएको थियो ।
10:53
Always in those moments,
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यस्तो समयमा उनीहरु पनि
10:55
they share their own experiences of loss.
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आफ्नो यस्तै कुनै घटना सुनाउने गर्छन् ।
10:58
We tend to meet
disclosure with disclosure,
disclosure with disclosure,
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हामी अपरिचित हुदा हुदै पनि एक अर्का प्रति
11:01
even with strangers.
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घनिष्ट हुन पुग्छौं ।
11:04
So, here it is.
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कुरा बुझिहाल्नुभयो ।
11:07
When you talk to strangers,
you're making beautiful interruptions
you're making beautiful interruptions
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जब अपरिचितसंग कुरा गर्नुहुन्छ तपाईं
11:11
into the expected narrative
of your daily life
of your daily life
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दैनिकीमा मिठो हस्तक्षेप गर्दै हुनुहुन्छ
11:14
and theirs.
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स्वयंको र उसको पनि ।
11:16
You're making unexpected connections.
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तपाई अनपेक्षित सम्बन्ध जोड्दै हुनुहुन्छ ।
11:19
If you don't talk to strangers,
you're missing out on all of that.
you're missing out on all of that.
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यदि तपाई अपरिचित संग कुरा गर्नुहुन्न भने
यी सबै अवसर गुमाउदै हुनुहुन्छ ।
यी सबै अवसर गुमाउदै हुनुहुन्छ ।
11:25
We spend a lot of time
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हामी आफ्ना केटाकेटीहरुलाई
11:27
teaching our children about strangers.
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अपरिचितको बारेमा सम्झाउन धेरै
समय खर्च गर्छौं ।
समय खर्च गर्छौं ।
11:30
What would happen if we spent
more time teaching ourselves?
more time teaching ourselves?
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बरु हामी आफैंलाई सिकाउन समय खर्च गरे,
कसो होला ?
कसो होला ?
11:35
We could reject all the ideas
that make us so suspicious of each other.
that make us so suspicious of each other.
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एक अर्का प्रति ससंकित हुने मनाशिकताबाट
हामीलाइ मुक्ति मिल्दछ ।
हामीलाइ मुक्ति मिल्दछ ।
11:40
We could make a space for change.
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हामी परिवर्तनको कारण बन्न सक्छौ ।
11:44
Thank you.
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धन्यवाद !
11:45
(Applause)
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................. ताली ...................
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Kio Stark - Stranger enthusiastKio Stark explores the myriad ways encounters with strangers impact our lives.
Why you should listen
Kio Stark has always talked to strangers. She started documenting her experiences when she realized that not everyone shares this predilection. She's done extensive research into the emotional and political dimensions of stranger interactions and the complex dynamics how people relate to each other in public places.
Her novel Follow Me Down began as a series of true vignettes about strangers placed in the fictional context of a woman unraveling the eerie history of a lost letter misdelivered to her door.
Stark did doctoral work at Yale University’s American Studies program, where she thought a lot about the history of science and medicine, urban studies, art, and race -- and then dropped out. Because she also taught graduate courses at NYU's Interactive Telecommunications Program, numberless people consulted her about whether or not to go back to school. Those conversations inspired Don't Go Back to School, a handbook for independent learners.
Stark is the author of the TED Book When Strangers Meet, in which she argues for the pleasures and transformative possibilities of talking to people you don’t know.
Beyond strangers, Stark's abiding fixations include the invisibility of technology; how people learn; practices of generosity and mutual aid; the culture, infrastructure and ephemera of cities; mythology and fairy tales; and advocating for independent learning, data literacy, social justice and feminism. Fiction writers get to dive down wonderful rabbit holes, and some of her favorites have been the forging and stealing of art, secret societies, the daily lives of medical examiners, the physics of elementary particles, bridge design, the history of maps, the mechanisms of wrongful conviction and psychoanalysis.
When not writing books, Stark has worked in journalism, interactive advertising, community research and game design. She writes, teaches and speaks around the world about stranger interactions, independent learning and how people relate to technology. She also consults for startups and large companies helping them think about stranger interactions among their users and audiences.
Kio Stark | Speaker | TED.com